deconstruct | [SAV] IC INBOX/MAILBOX

[ it seems, after each new thing ronan says, andyr ends up more confused, because that hardly makes sense either. would he be into it, yes, he'd been into it to begin with, when he'd known ronan wasn't his to be getting so intimate with in the first place. but that's still not something that can happen, because there's no way adam actually believes that'll be good for them. ]

He has to be lying. You two just finished getting over this.

That's what I thought, too. But he asked me to believe him. He said he finds it sexy, the idea of it. If you ask me, I think it just makes it easier on him. It scares him to think he's the only thing keeping me alive, so he wants you there to catch me if I fall. He's not going to say that, though. He'll never admit I'm a burden to him, even if it's true.

You can say no to this. All I told him is that I would ask.

[ on the one hand, andyr knows it isn't unheard of for people to get pleasure off of seeing their loved ones being physical with someone else. for living in a place that was half a whore house every other day, he knows that, at least. but adam doesn't seem like one of those, not in the least. andyr opens his mouth to say as much, but here's ronan trying to give him an out, and before adam's whole bundle of issues, he's addressing that first, a hand reaching out to catch at his forearm. ]

Hey. You're not a burden to me, ever, and I don't need to be making out with you to know I'll be there to catch you either way. [ whether ronan wants him there or not, and whether it'll actually say him or not. ] I'm not saying no, I'm just...

If it's something he actually wants, he won't mind telling me too, will he? [ we're going on a field trip, ronan, because one of your boyfriends thinks the other boyfriend is full of shit. and also that ronan himself is an idiot for thinking adam wouldn't do the exact same thing if it was ronan's body he found instead. ]

[Ronan shrugs. He doesn't know what Adam will or won't mind anymore. He doesn't know anything. The only conclusion he's been able to reach is that, after they made love, Adam realized he didn't want Ronan at all. But now they've gone too far for him to simply leave. The fear is reasonable, considering Ronan's barely recovered from his suicide attempt.]

Ask him, I guess.

[ there's such a clear pain in him and andyr aches with a want to fix it. He knows the only one who can is Adam, and despite his typical want to stay out of other people's social problems, the two of them have become a bit too important to him by this point. He does, though, stop and tug Ronan into a hug, pressing a kiss to his cheek shortly. ]

It'll be fine. You're just both being idiots again. [ words of love, by andyr prince. ] Come on. Let's go fix it.

[ andyr's hand tugs at Ronan's wrist, pulling him back towards the central building everyone's camped out in. ]

[Thank God for Andyr. Ronan leans into that hug, his shoulders dropping a few inches, and he gives a slight nod. Yeah, maybe they're just being idiots. It's not like he has any idea what he's doing.]

He's not far.

[Though it's Andyr tugging Ronan along at first, Ronan eventually takes the lead, and they find Adam exactly where he'd left him.]

[ The bath/spa room was still there and still a secret. Now, though, Adam had dressed, sitting on the clean tile near the water and trying not to think too much about what he's done. He knows it's best that Ronan deserves everything in the world he wants. Adam sort of wishes that he hadn't brought it up right after making love but that conversation was one he had already planned and the lovemaking had not been so planned.

He's kind of sore too not that he'll complain because it's not a bad feeling. His thoughts wander until he hears Ronan returning with Andyr. He doesn't say much but glance at them both in greeting.

Ronan might be rubbing off on him in more ways than one. ]

[ andyr drops ronan's hand before they enter the secret room, though, stepping in, he has to take a moment to lift his eyes up and skim around, a bit taken in wonder. ronan must have created this place for him and adam, and he feels wrong being here, but he supposes, that's the issue they're here for entirely.

focus return to adam, sitting stoic by the water, andyr crosses to him, crouching down in front of him and watching him for a second before he speaks, quiet, though he suspects there isn't enough white noise in the room for ronan not to hear either way. ]

I know you think you're helping, but this is killing him. [ metaphorically, mostly. maybe not the best choice of words, but such are conversations with andyr, master wordsmith. ] He wants you. He's only ever wanted you. Lying to him about crap like this just gives him blanks to fill in with his self loathing.

[ Adam's expression only flickers for a moment when Andyr is in front of him, talking low but there's little chance that Ronan can't hear which makes it even more difficult for Adam to answer. He swallows hard, carefully choosing his words. ]

He knows I know that and that I love him and that nothing there is changing. [ At least, he'd tried to make sure Ronan knew that... ]

He wants me but he wants you too. [ I saw it, is the part he leaves out. He looks at Ronan. ] I'm not lying when I tell him I want him to have everything he wants. And he wasn't lying when he talked about you. So don't lecture me. [ He can get to the actual lies later that he thinks it's hot to think about them together, okay. ]

[ he's mentioning specifics, and andyr squints at him, like he's looking for the cracks there, feeling like there's things omitted. not saying something is different than lying, isn't it? he knows ronan doesn't have him in it to be dishonest, but people like andyr and adam do. ]

Then why does he think this is an exit strategy?

[ sorry, ronan, giving away your fears, but it's important. and you're goddamn right he's going to lecture, for as long as he thinks someone's being full of shit, one of them or both of them. ] What do you seriously think this'll help?

Because he's stupid. [ Adam says, glancing toward Ronan. ] And he doesn't have as much faith in me as he wishes he did.

It'll help everyone. [ By everyone, he means Andyr and Ronan. ]

Edited 2017-01-30 13:53 (UTC)

He wouldn't be asking at all if he didn't have faith in you. [ there's a difference between fears and having faith, and one doesn't negate the other. It's andyr here that doesn't have faith in Adam. ] And if it turns out you are lying, that faith's never going to be as strong as it was.

[ Adam's asking him to go against his better judgment in faith of him, and if Adam proves him wrong in that, it sets a precedent. But adam's refusing to budge, so maybe the reality of it will be more convincing. ]

So if it's everybody, then everybody does it, or no one at all. [ Adam joins them or nothing, he means. ] Are you good with that, Ronan?

[Ronan remains in the doorway, unmoving. He listens to this exchange without a single shift in his expression, and when Andyr finally addresses him, Ronan's gaze settles on Adam.]

Yes.

[ Adam doesn't say anything to the mini-lecture that Andyr gives him. He doesn't want to stretch the truth more than he has to to facilitate this.

The condition Andyr puts on this confuses him for a multitude of reasons, not in the least that Ronan is agreeable to it. Andyr doesn't want Adam. Ronan doesn't want anyone else to have him, he's sure. Why would that be something either of them want? ]

Okay. [ Adam ends up agreeing all the same even though this is definitely not the way he intended it to go. Wouldn't it just make it less enjoyable for Andyr and Ronan to have him a part of it? He'd meant for things to be separate and not quite equal. ]

[ the stipulation is there because andyr isn't willing to let them drift apart with this, and, he wants his eyes on Adam while they do this. Andyr's positive he took his advice to lie better too seriously, and this is Adam's misguided idea of doing everything he can for someone he loves that's in pain.

Without lifting his eyes from Adam, andyr raises a hand to wave Ronan over, patting the space between him and Adam for him to sit down. ]

These are my rules. [ if he's doing this, it's because he wants to help these morons. He won't just be some tool to hurt the both of them. ] This is about the two of you, first and foremost. If it starts hurting more than it helps, it stops immediately. Understood?

[Heart pounding in his chest, Ronan shuts the door and slowly steps forward. He can't believe Andyr's agreeing to this. He can't believe Adam's agreeing to this. His own choice in the matter hardly seems like a choice at all. Could he ever turn his back on either of them?

Ronan kneels down between them and immediately reaches for Adam's hand. Then, with more reluctance, he reaches for Andyr with the other.]

Okay.

[It's gotten out of Adam's control, out of the carefully calculated plan. But he's far too deep to be able to back out and not have it blow up in his face. He's already in. And he's already offered this to Ronan. Anytime he starts to second guess he remembers seeing them in that stupid tent, hearing them and the determination to make this work renews.]

Yeah. [Adam's now looking at Ronan's hand in his own and he still can't fathom why it went sideways like this. Adam isn't a part of what they have no more than Andyr was a part of Adam and Ronan, right?]

[ andyr's hand squeezes back at Ronan's, thumb brushing over the back of his palm. It'll be okay, they'll make sure it'll be okay. If Adam wants to make this work, it can't be a thing that's separated, like he's off doing something shameful without Adam. He's doing it entirely for Adam, as far as andyr believes, so if Adam wants to sell this, he has to convince Ronan it isn't just for his benefit. Ronan's entirely too selfless and entirely too critical of his own person to stomach that.

When he looks to Adam again, past Ronan, his eyes say as much, at least, he means to, but no one here's telepathic. He'll help you sell this farce, but so fucking help him, you better commit to making sure it doesn't fail. ]

Your rules, Adam. What are they? Then Ronan.

[Adam looks up, mostly in time to catch Andyrs expression. He knows that Andyr probably is more aware of his intentions maybe a little off the mark but closer than Ronan was to being able to understand it clearly.

His eyes lower again to his and Ronan's hands. And he's weighing what he wants versus what he deserves to ask for. It's difficult because there's that voice in his head always telling him he doesn't really deserve anything.

Least of all any part of Ronan Lynch.]

My rule... [His eyes flicker in Ronan's direction... And he goes in the opposite way of selfish, not willing to draw the line he wants to but drawing the line that enables Ronan more. ]

Not holding back the things wanted. [It's simple and concise in words but he knows what a big ask that is from Ronan though he's not sure about Andyr.]

[Ronan stares unblinking as Adam gives his response. Again he wants to ask what he did to make Adam throw him away like this. Was there nothing? Not a single thing worth keeping?

He swallows and lowers his gaze.]

Andyr, you can't touch Adam. He can only touch you. If he wants. If you want. I don't know.

[Why don't they just drown him?]

I'm fine with that. [ in truth, he's glad for that, because he's pretty sure Adam doesn't want his hands anywhere near his person, and andyr's so aggressively against being intimate with someone who doesn't want it. The reason for including Adam in if had been for Ronan. Ronan, who he can practically feel wanting to shake apart between them.

He still doesn't understand it, why Adam's doing this, and why he can't see how much it's hurting them both, but andyr's arms shift to wrap around Ronan's middle, tugging his back to his chest, and pressing his forehead to Ronan's temple. ] No one's going anywhere, he's not leaving you. Trust it's about him loving you, okay?

[ please. Please don't do this just because you feel you're being let loose. The thought of it boils andyr's blood, shaking his head, as his lips press in a tight line. God, he hates this, and he hates that something like being with Ronan has been poisoned like this. ] I swear to freaking God, if either of your are doing this when you don't want to, if you're using me for it--

[ andyr's throat tightens up on the honesty of it, and the word 'rape' echoes in his head, and the ache of thinking he might be unwittingly putting ronan or even Adam through the same thing, and he feels too sick to say anything else, his forehead falling to the back of Ronan's shoulder. ] Just don't.

[Adam feels a surge of relief that Ronan said that. He knew it's true whether it'd been said or not that Ronan doesn't want to share him. he knows that somewhere he hasn't made this clear and mostly it's because he knows the responses Ronan will have and they'll put Adam too high up as usual.

But this ... Is why he's doing it... The way Andyr touches Ronan and the way Ronan let's him. Even if Ronan would choose him he still.. a part of him still belonged to andyr. What is Adam supposed to do.. he can't ignore it. And god andyr is so much better than him.

He can't think of anything to say and his throat is too tight anyway so he just squeezes Ronan's fingers. He loves him so much there's nothing bigger in the entire universe. He wouldn't give Ronan up even if Ronan would have been the sort to do something behind his back.]

I'm not using you... I just... [saw you guys.

Ronan spends so much time denying himself while trying to give Adam everything he's been doing it for longer than they've been here... But Adam hates when Ronan denies himself he doesn't want him to have to.]

[Andyr is the only reason Ronan can breathe right now. He doesn't believe he could have faced this with anyone else. When Adam first proposed it, he'd barely been able to hold himself together. He thinks this... this is the point where someone might ordinarily cry.

That response, however, is broken in Ronan. He laces his fingers with Adam's and leans into Andyr's embrace. He doesn't understand a love like this, if that's what it is. He doesn't know what to do with all his devotion when it's rejected outright. He wishes he at least understood what he did wrong. When exactly did Adam begin to believe he had less than Ronan's whole heart?]

That goes for you, too, Andyr.

[Ronan twists to look back at him.]

I want you to kiss me now. But only if you want to.

[ this is convoluted and not at all what he'd planned to get into when he came to talk to adam, but there doesn't seem like another road to take. anything else feels like it would just drag them further downward. he'd felt fine just watching the two of them, and bending over backwards to try to make them find a place where they could just freaking be happy, as if andyr could somehow feel some sort of vicarious satisfaction through it, but this feels like asking for disaster. it's what he does, isn't it? bring disaster? at least, before, he thought he could angle it towards something beneficial for someone else.

maybe adam does know best. maybe he understands ronan better than either of them do. probably, considering what he's been to him, in comparison to the few months andyr's known him. ronan twists back to look to him, though, and he knows he's falling apart just as much, confused and lost and hurt and scared, and yes, he does want to kiss him.

he wants to hold him close and bury himself in him and pretend that's all that matters in the world for just a little bit. he'd failed him in trying to fix this, after he'd assured him that they would, and he can't imagine why ronan would want to have anything of him now, but andyr prince is a selfish creature. he wants to tell him it'll be okay, they'll do this, and it'll work. but he doesn't know any better than the rest of them, so he takes this comfort he doesn't deserve either way, fingers curling in ronan's clothes as he lifts his lips to kiss him. ]

I always want to kiss you. [ andyr mutters, arms around him squeezing tighter, a palm rubbing along his back in what he wishes could be soothing, as he meets his lips again, slow and soft, and full of longing and apology. ]

[It hurts, seeing Ronan wanting to kiss Andyr but he's seen that before.

But this is different because neither of them have to say no. He thought he was prepared for this but he's not really. It's not that he thinks he made the wrong choice. It's just something he hasnt been able to get Ronan to understand. He knows Ronan is still looking at it all wrong but Adam isn't sure how to remedy that yet.

But he couldn't get the images from the tent out of his brain, he couldn't forget Ronan admitting he has feelings, he misses what he had with Andyr. It's all burned miserably into his brain. His fingers are still tightly laced in Ronan's hand and he makes himself watch.

It's a beautiful thing. Andyr is attractive almost as much as Ronan. It's a beautiful sort of torture maybe. Andyr is so much better at it all. The way he supports ronan... Adams not so good at that. Adam really isn't good at anything but being a liability.]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject