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He wouldn't be asking at all if he didn't have faith in you. [ there's a difference between fears and having faith, and one doesn't negate the other. It's andyr here that doesn't have faith in Adam. ] And if it turns out you are lying, that faith's never going to be as strong as it was.

[ Adam's asking him to go against his better judgment in faith of him, and if Adam proves him wrong in that, it sets a precedent. But adam's refusing to budge, so maybe the reality of it will be more convincing. ]

So if it's everybody, then everybody does it, or no one at all. [ Adam joins them or nothing, he means. ] Are you good with that, Ronan?

[Ronan remains in the doorway, unmoving. He listens to this exchange without a single shift in his expression, and when Andyr finally addresses him, Ronan's gaze settles on Adam.]

Yes.

[ Adam doesn't say anything to the mini-lecture that Andyr gives him. He doesn't want to stretch the truth more than he has to to facilitate this.

The condition Andyr puts on this confuses him for a multitude of reasons, not in the least that Ronan is agreeable to it. Andyr doesn't want Adam. Ronan doesn't want anyone else to have him, he's sure. Why would that be something either of them want? ]

Okay. [ Adam ends up agreeing all the same even though this is definitely not the way he intended it to go. Wouldn't it just make it less enjoyable for Andyr and Ronan to have him a part of it? He'd meant for things to be separate and not quite equal. ]

[ the stipulation is there because andyr isn't willing to let them drift apart with this, and, he wants his eyes on Adam while they do this. Andyr's positive he took his advice to lie better too seriously, and this is Adam's misguided idea of doing everything he can for someone he loves that's in pain.

Without lifting his eyes from Adam, andyr raises a hand to wave Ronan over, patting the space between him and Adam for him to sit down. ]

These are my rules. [ if he's doing this, it's because he wants to help these morons. He won't just be some tool to hurt the both of them. ] This is about the two of you, first and foremost. If it starts hurting more than it helps, it stops immediately. Understood?

[Heart pounding in his chest, Ronan shuts the door and slowly steps forward. He can't believe Andyr's agreeing to this. He can't believe Adam's agreeing to this. His own choice in the matter hardly seems like a choice at all. Could he ever turn his back on either of them?

Ronan kneels down between them and immediately reaches for Adam's hand. Then, with more reluctance, he reaches for Andyr with the other.]

Okay.

[It's gotten out of Adam's control, out of the carefully calculated plan. But he's far too deep to be able to back out and not have it blow up in his face. He's already in. And he's already offered this to Ronan. Anytime he starts to second guess he remembers seeing them in that stupid tent, hearing them and the determination to make this work renews.]

Yeah. [Adam's now looking at Ronan's hand in his own and he still can't fathom why it went sideways like this. Adam isn't a part of what they have no more than Andyr was a part of Adam and Ronan, right?]

[ andyr's hand squeezes back at Ronan's, thumb brushing over the back of his palm. It'll be okay, they'll make sure it'll be okay. If Adam wants to make this work, it can't be a thing that's separated, like he's off doing something shameful without Adam. He's doing it entirely for Adam, as far as andyr believes, so if Adam wants to sell this, he has to convince Ronan it isn't just for his benefit. Ronan's entirely too selfless and entirely too critical of his own person to stomach that.

When he looks to Adam again, past Ronan, his eyes say as much, at least, he means to, but no one here's telepathic. He'll help you sell this farce, but so fucking help him, you better commit to making sure it doesn't fail. ]

Your rules, Adam. What are they? Then Ronan.

[Adam looks up, mostly in time to catch Andyrs expression. He knows that Andyr probably is more aware of his intentions maybe a little off the mark but closer than Ronan was to being able to understand it clearly.

His eyes lower again to his and Ronan's hands. And he's weighing what he wants versus what he deserves to ask for. It's difficult because there's that voice in his head always telling him he doesn't really deserve anything.

Least of all any part of Ronan Lynch.]

My rule... [His eyes flicker in Ronan's direction... And he goes in the opposite way of selfish, not willing to draw the line he wants to but drawing the line that enables Ronan more. ]

Not holding back the things wanted. [It's simple and concise in words but he knows what a big ask that is from Ronan though he's not sure about Andyr.]

[Ronan stares unblinking as Adam gives his response. Again he wants to ask what he did to make Adam throw him away like this. Was there nothing? Not a single thing worth keeping?

He swallows and lowers his gaze.]

Andyr, you can't touch Adam. He can only touch you. If he wants. If you want. I don't know.

[Why don't they just drown him?]

I'm fine with that. [ in truth, he's glad for that, because he's pretty sure Adam doesn't want his hands anywhere near his person, and andyr's so aggressively against being intimate with someone who doesn't want it. The reason for including Adam in if had been for Ronan. Ronan, who he can practically feel wanting to shake apart between them.

He still doesn't understand it, why Adam's doing this, and why he can't see how much it's hurting them both, but andyr's arms shift to wrap around Ronan's middle, tugging his back to his chest, and pressing his forehead to Ronan's temple. ] No one's going anywhere, he's not leaving you. Trust it's about him loving you, okay?

[ please. Please don't do this just because you feel you're being let loose. The thought of it boils andyr's blood, shaking his head, as his lips press in a tight line. God, he hates this, and he hates that something like being with Ronan has been poisoned like this. ] I swear to freaking God, if either of your are doing this when you don't want to, if you're using me for it--

[ andyr's throat tightens up on the honesty of it, and the word 'rape' echoes in his head, and the ache of thinking he might be unwittingly putting ronan or even Adam through the same thing, and he feels too sick to say anything else, his forehead falling to the back of Ronan's shoulder. ] Just don't.

[Adam feels a surge of relief that Ronan said that. He knew it's true whether it'd been said or not that Ronan doesn't want to share him. he knows that somewhere he hasn't made this clear and mostly it's because he knows the responses Ronan will have and they'll put Adam too high up as usual.

But this ... Is why he's doing it... The way Andyr touches Ronan and the way Ronan let's him. Even if Ronan would choose him he still.. a part of him still belonged to andyr. What is Adam supposed to do.. he can't ignore it. And god andyr is so much better than him.

He can't think of anything to say and his throat is too tight anyway so he just squeezes Ronan's fingers. He loves him so much there's nothing bigger in the entire universe. He wouldn't give Ronan up even if Ronan would have been the sort to do something behind his back.]

I'm not using you... I just... [saw you guys.

Ronan spends so much time denying himself while trying to give Adam everything he's been doing it for longer than they've been here... But Adam hates when Ronan denies himself he doesn't want him to have to.]

[Andyr is the only reason Ronan can breathe right now. He doesn't believe he could have faced this with anyone else. When Adam first proposed it, he'd barely been able to hold himself together. He thinks this... this is the point where someone might ordinarily cry.

That response, however, is broken in Ronan. He laces his fingers with Adam's and leans into Andyr's embrace. He doesn't understand a love like this, if that's what it is. He doesn't know what to do with all his devotion when it's rejected outright. He wishes he at least understood what he did wrong. When exactly did Adam begin to believe he had less than Ronan's whole heart?]

That goes for you, too, Andyr.

[Ronan twists to look back at him.]

I want you to kiss me now. But only if you want to.

[ this is convoluted and not at all what he'd planned to get into when he came to talk to adam, but there doesn't seem like another road to take. anything else feels like it would just drag them further downward. he'd felt fine just watching the two of them, and bending over backwards to try to make them find a place where they could just freaking be happy, as if andyr could somehow feel some sort of vicarious satisfaction through it, but this feels like asking for disaster. it's what he does, isn't it? bring disaster? at least, before, he thought he could angle it towards something beneficial for someone else.

maybe adam does know best. maybe he understands ronan better than either of them do. probably, considering what he's been to him, in comparison to the few months andyr's known him. ronan twists back to look to him, though, and he knows he's falling apart just as much, confused and lost and hurt and scared, and yes, he does want to kiss him.

he wants to hold him close and bury himself in him and pretend that's all that matters in the world for just a little bit. he'd failed him in trying to fix this, after he'd assured him that they would, and he can't imagine why ronan would want to have anything of him now, but andyr prince is a selfish creature. he wants to tell him it'll be okay, they'll do this, and it'll work. but he doesn't know any better than the rest of them, so he takes this comfort he doesn't deserve either way, fingers curling in ronan's clothes as he lifts his lips to kiss him. ]

I always want to kiss you. [ andyr mutters, arms around him squeezing tighter, a palm rubbing along his back in what he wishes could be soothing, as he meets his lips again, slow and soft, and full of longing and apology. ]

[It hurts, seeing Ronan wanting to kiss Andyr but he's seen that before.

But this is different because neither of them have to say no. He thought he was prepared for this but he's not really. It's not that he thinks he made the wrong choice. It's just something he hasnt been able to get Ronan to understand. He knows Ronan is still looking at it all wrong but Adam isn't sure how to remedy that yet.

But he couldn't get the images from the tent out of his brain, he couldn't forget Ronan admitting he has feelings, he misses what he had with Andyr. It's all burned miserably into his brain. His fingers are still tightly laced in Ronan's hand and he makes himself watch.

It's a beautiful thing. Andyr is attractive almost as much as Ronan. It's a beautiful sort of torture maybe. Andyr is so much better at it all. The way he supports ronan... Adams not so good at that. Adam really isn't good at anything but being a liability.]

[Ronan doesn't know if this was Andyr's plan or not. He doesn't know if this is what "fixing it" looks like, or if it's a success. All he knows is that the urge to die subsides the moment their lips meet. His mouth remembers every single kiss they've ever shared. His mouth also knows it's been terribly deprived over the past month or so, in the time they've been apart. There's a physical joy in their reunion that transcends his troubled mind.

At the same time, he can feel his hand in Adam's, the warmth of their palms pressed together. He squeezes gently, his fingers stroking Adam's skin. He hasn't forgotten Adam. He might never know if the reverse is true, if Adam is still capable of feeling love for him. But Ronan will always love him. Ronan would have married him.

The kiss is tender. Sensual, but not vulgar. Andyr always seems to understand what he needs for comfort, and this is no different. Even when the kiss breaks, Ronan doesn't draw away. He can feel Adam's eyes on him and fights the urge to look back, afraid of what he'll see. He doesn't know what would be worse: Adam's disapproval or his approval. Better to focus on what he's gaining instead of what he's losing. Ronan's other hand reaches up to palm Andyr's cheek.]

Don't hold back either, Adam.

[This, said without looking at him.]

[ it's like fresh air after being held underwater, this kiss, and andyr's fighting the urge to let out something that would probably sound more like a whimper, betraying more of how much he wants this than he'd like. Besides, Ronan has to already know, in the way his hands pull at him, and his lips press in a way that feels almost too desperate.

Ronan's palm against his cheek is something he's deeply missed, that kind of intimate, loving touch they'd sworn off in the last month or so, and his head tilts, leaning into it, with a sigh that feels like relief. Andyr cups the back of his head, fingertips scratching through short, buzzed hair affectionately, remembering how he loves the feeling of his short shorn hair under his hand. He hears it, though, the want for Adam, but the fear of doing something wrong, and the hand at Ronan's back lifts one finger, making a crooking motion to beckon Adam into this.

he needs you, you moron, show him you're still here, he wants to scream at Adam, but that's breaking the unspoken rules of this. you made him terrified, now freaking fix it.

All of this is meaningless if he doesn't still have Adam, if he doesn't feel like he's pleased him, like he's done right, like nothing's actually changed between the two of them. Adam, so freaking help him, get in here and love your boyfriend. ]

[Adam wonders if Andyr sees through him. He's tried to keep the sadness and hurt off his face but he's not sure if he has. He almost laughs at the irony of Ronan's words. After all this entire thing is an exercise him denying hismelf and holding back.

He's not sure what to do between that and Andyr's motioning him. He doesn't fit. Ronans attention is still on andyr. Even when he's alone with Ronan he habitually holds back terrified of asking for too much. It's a miracle he'd finally asked him to make love to him.

He's sure Ronan regrets it though, or will. He reaches out his free hand to touch Ronan's thigh, fingers squeezing on his hand.]

Kiss me. [It's soft and more like a question than a demand or instruction his hand moving from his thigh to the side of his neck though he doesn't make him turn his head.]

[Ronan doesn't know what he's looking at when he finally turns his eyes to Adam. He can't tell if he's imagining the sense that he's somehow left Adam behind, even with their hands clasped so tight. If Adam truly wants this, why doesn't he look happier? (Of course, Ronan can't imagine how he would feel if he did see joy on Adam's face at a time like this.)

Maybe Ronan is the only broken one. Maybe this is what people do. Maybe, as with all other matters concerning faith and intimacy, he's somewhere in the Dark Ages. Maybe he's reading too deeply into this things, and like his virginity, his body was never sacred. Maybe love was never how he imagined it.

He can still taste Andyr on his lips as he leans in to kiss Adam. The movement is subtle, not enough to pull himself free of Andyr's arms. It feels strange to have so many hands on him at once, at his back and in his hair and on his thigh then at his neck and holding onto him. If he wasn't so afraid, he could feel like a lucky man. According to any logical math, how can double of something feel equal to none?

His fear is in his kiss, grazing Adam's lips like he's testing the temperature of them. He deepens the kiss only when he finds they're still warm to his presence, and he's still welcome there.]

[ andyr has no argument with their kiss parting for ronan to turn to adam, a natural flow in how he bows his head to press his forehead to ronan's shoulder, again, and drop the hand from the back of his head down to his back, so as not to bump into adam's. the other arm still wrapped around his torso, like a support, his palm smooths over ronan's back in long strokes, like trying to soothe and ill child. ]

Shh, you're okay. [ Andyr's murmuring quiet against his friend's shoulder, eyes closed, and he still feels like he's failing him. all he wants to do is guide him back into adam's arms and disappear, wishing adam would suddenly realize how stupid it is to put them into this, but no one's called a stop to it yet. and so, he's still desperately trying to find a way to make this work. with adam's self-sacrifice, with ronan's all or nothing view of love, and with how discarded it leaves the latter feeling now. ] No one's going anywhere, you're okay.

[ supporting him, absolutely, is the best he knows how to do right now. regardless of whatever happens here, the one thing andyr knows he can do is make sure ronan always has something to lean on, and someone to insure he's never alone. he will physically hold this boy together, if that's the most he can do, but the rest of it is up to adam to fill in. he knows ronan's terrified adam doesn't want him anymore, and all andyr can do is try to help adam convince him that it'll never be the case. ] Adam's still right here, and you're still everything to him.

[ that much, andyr does know, or adam wouldn't be putting himself through this at all. ]

[ Adam can hear Andyr though he tries not to think about what he's saying. It hits right in the middle of all the insecurities that he feels. He squeezes Ronan's hand tighter instead, clinging to him in a small way. If Ronan could read his mind he'd know how much Adam loves him, needs him, wants him and how perfect Ronan is for him but the fact that Adam knows despite Ronan's blind faith that he has that part of him that wants more than Adam, maybe even needs more. It goes against the grind but if Adam didn't believe it he wouldn't have fought for this.

His hand strokes along the side of his neck gently, also carefully avoiding touching Andyr, though his presence is imposing and one that couldn't be ignored even if he didn't touch him. He kisses Ronan openly though, trying to reassure him of his own love and devotion in it.

It would have been easier to not have to play an active role in what was supposed to be him letting Ronan have it all, letting him give into that longing instead of doing what he always does when he wants something. Hadn't he spent so much time chastising and withholding his own desires with adam as well? ]

[Andyr's words don't make sense to Ronan. He understands why they're being said, and why Andyr might think he needs to hear them. Reality is different, though, isn't it? No one just gives away a beloved possession.

He was stupid, that's all. It was naive of him to believe in eternal love, to daydream about marriage, to believe he might be anything more than a way to pass the time until graduation. Poor Adam. He'd only been curious, and he found himself in the claws of a needy, wretched monster.

Ronan steels himself. He takes these thoughts and he boxes them away, to be unpacked later in his dreams, in the company of night horrors. He thinks, What would Adam want out of this? and he settles on: To believe it's working.

It isn't a lie to kiss Adam with heated passion, shedding all his insecure hesitation to crush his lips against Adam's with a low purr. It isn't a lie, either, for his free hand to glide back over Andyr's thigh. Let both of them have him. Let neither feel responsible.]

[ at this point, andyr can't possibly know what's going on in either ronan or adam's head, and it feels some how so much more isolating than anything else had up to the point. strange, that he'd been given the go ahead to be intimate with ronan, and he couldn't feel farther from him.

he's trying to understand it, going to places in his head to compare. thinks of alva, and miray, and their baby. thinks of his own quiet choice to get them safely to alaska, and leave them there, while he disappears. andyr wonders if that's what he ought to do here, after they part ways. let the two of them tangle back together, and once they make it to the city on the other side of the ingress, find somewhere to disappear to. after all, this all started with him taking more than was his to have, didn't it?

ronan's hand reaches for him, stroking over his thigh, and he meets it automatically, tangling their fingers together, as if natural instinct, squeezing. he'll always feel responsible, because that's who andyr is. he's so oppressively overbearing of the people that become important to him that he'd rather take a choice out of their hands and make them hate him then let them linger in a place he knows is bad for them. like this.

eyes fall to his hand at ronan's back again, at the bits of dirt under his dull nails here and there, and remembers what ahab had told him about the people that he's come to love here, and what they'll be to him when he's gone. you won't be able to turn it off. you're gonna miss it every day. it's going to eat at you. andyr cannot keep ronan either way. he isn't going home with him, he isn't staying here. what's the point of dragging the two of them through this, when he has a deadline on his time with them?

maybe he'll get lucky and adam will snap back to his senses before this is over. ]

[ Adam melts into the kiss a little, his hand continuing to hold tight to Ronan's hand through the other slides down his chest, pressing over his heart. He loves him so much he would do anything for him at all.

Slowly he breaks the kiss but he presses his face into the crook of Ronan's neck, eyes squeezed shut. He could have gotten lost in the kiss but this isn't about him. He's not sure what to do how to make this work at all now that it's shifted.

He's hyper aware of Andyr's presence and that he should probably stop hiding in Ronan's neck but he doesn't lift his head yet, fingers curling into his chest. Why couldn't the simple way with Ronan having what he missed and then still having Adam be enough? ]

[They're hiding from each other, Ronan realizes. In Adam's case, it's a confirmation that he's lying. No way in hell did he ever fantasize about this. In Andyr's case, it's not surprising at all. He's doing what he always does: Protecting Ronan.]

We can stop now.

[Here's their chance. They can both back out now and admit neither of them really wants this. Possibly, also, that neither of them really want him. Andyr did a fine job of calling Adam's bluff, forcing him to remain present and bear witness to what it was he was asking of them, but the point's now proven. This is the opportunity for Adam to take back his request and say what he really means.]

Or we can take a bath. I know Andyr needs one.

[He says it like it's a joke, his lips curling into a smirk. It's not a joke, though. Ronan can't stand to be the only one vulnerable here. If a game is going to be made out of his sexuality, the ice has to break. He's going to lose his mind.]

[ Adam doesn't pull back from his hiding spot pressed into Ronan's neck, not right away. But when he does he's still turning over both the words and the off handed comment about Andyr and the bath.

They really shouldn't have met here. Adam should've kept this place for himself and Ronan. That is his fault, really. ]

I don't want... to stop. [ Exactly. He doesn't want to have to be involved but he knows those are the stipulations and he can work with this. He can. ]

I saw you guys... in the med tent. I ... just... Ronan, you miss what you had with him, don't you? I planned to talk to you about this since then... [ He also spent quite a bit of time alone drunk and maybe with some drugs courtesy of Kavinsky but he leaves that information out. ]

How I feel doesn't change because I don't want to make you guys not have it... [ Words aren't his strong suit, especially not when their emotional, when he's terrified. ] It's my fault everything bad that's happened... and Andyr's...

You need him too, Ronan...Please stop trying to make this more or less than what it is.

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