deconstruct | [SAV] IC INBOX/MAILBOX

[ andyr's left standing in the water, watching the swirling currents left by ronan's movement through it, and the water line magically rising, listening to ronan declare this entire thing dead on arrival. the water warm around his legs, he thinks he'd like to sink into it, just let out all the air in his lungs and rest on the bottom, the world above all muted out. maybe that would fix this - ronan and adam. no reason to argue about feelings of attachment when the source isn't there. hence the original idea of disappearing into the city, once they arrived there.

but then, there's adam, in such a out-bursting, overflow of emotion andyr's left blinking wide eyed at him. this is the most he's ever seen adam say in one sitting, he thinks, and with largest amount of real emotion he's shown as well. a lot of things make sense, now. why he'd been so forceful about wanting this, how he'd never wanted to be around andyr for long, why he kept trying to give and give and give.

andyr feels out of place here, and he thinks again about sinking down underwater, but instead looks down to adam's hand, water sloshing as he starts to move from the pool to step out, cuffs of his sleeves still soaked from manhandling ronan around in it. gently, he reaches for adam's hand, and squeezes out some of the water from the bath out of his sleeve over the scrape to clean off the bit of wall from the skin. ]

There isn't some set amount of love you can give. [ he's talking to ronan here, but focusing on adam's hand and cleaning up the wounded knuckles, voice quiet. ] It's not like you start out with 100 Love Points and you can only hand out so many before the pot's empty.

It isn't with or without. Just more.

Edited 2017-02-01 04:44 (UTC)

[Unlike Andyr, Ronan isn't remotely surprised by the outburst of emotion that Adam brings with him when he storms back in. This is hardly the worst fight they've ever had, even if it might be the most painful.

Ronan stares at Adam, unmoving. His gaze drops only briefly to Adam's hand as Andyr tends to it. That fist was rightly meant for Ronan's face, and Ronan knows it. When their eyes meet again, Ronan wonders how Adam could have possibly concluded that this was the way, that Ronan could ever need or want anything more than him. From the moment of Adam's arrival, he'd been so glad to give up everything else.

But that's the problem. Adam has decided he's the only one who gets to make sacrifices around here. And for whatever reason, Andyr agrees with him.]

I don't fucking understand either of you.

[Ronan's voice is quiet now, though. The fight has gone out of him, leaving only shame in its wake. He would walk out now if he wasn't completely soaked. And if he didn't know that would absolutely destroy Adam.]

I don't understand either of you, but I'm gonna stop pretending to. You want this for me because you love me. Okay. I don't know how to make this work if you two can barely stand to look at each other, though. I can't be in the middle of this. Not like this.

[ Adam lets Andyr tend his hand. It stings, not as much as it's been throbbing when the other starts cleaning it up. He doesn't know how to help Ronan understand. Of all the things that Ronan can see in shades of grey this is the thing he can only see in black and white. He stares at the floor and it's a struggle not to close down again, not to find a safe thing to say that's not the whole truth but not quite a lie. ]

I wasn't prepared to have to be involved. I... I knew I might have to see it. I don't... I don't belong in what you two have... [ He felt like he was only pulled in out of some guilt or something else. ]

You guys have something outside of me where... [ He exhales harshly because there's the stupid tears and he clenches his jaw. ] But it's important.

[ Andyr's support to Ronan is important. Adam needs Andyr to be there to give it because there's the part of him that should do that that's defective. It's going to take him more time to learn how. ]

Sorry. [ said to adam, for pulling him into it. it'd been something of a strategy, yes, and his own stubbornness with how this was all going. he can't say he hadn't meant to hurt him, because he wanted adam to understand exactly what it was he was asking for, but they're past that point now. ronan's still angry and still confused, and adam's still upset, and andyr's caught somewhere in the middle, looking at the bright red and gradually bruising purples on adam's hand, rolling thoughts of the two of them around in his head. he doesn't know how this is supposed to work. he has no memories of happily married parents to compare to, or stable relationships. but he knows what love is, and knows the source of it matters much less than the fact of it. ]

You guys wanna be linked forever, right? That makes you one life, and in that sense, one person. Anywhere Ronan belongs, you belong. No point in him having something you don't have too. [ andyr's telling adam quietly, hands still cradling adam's in his palms, now finished cleaning up his knuckles. the idea of separation to make this work still, even after all this, feels intrinsically wrong. ]

You guys ever hear that story about the guy that sells his watch, and the woman that cuts her hair? That's you two.

[ sacrificing and sacrificing and sacrificing and not getting the core of it. maybe that's what a love like this is supposed to be like, but who knows. a thumb brushing over the back of adam's hand, andyr meets his eyes, questing but soft. ] Do you still want to do this? You don't have to.

[ Both the way of shifting the perspective and the subsequent passing of control of the situation back to Adam when he'd felt the whole thing spiraling so far out of his control helps calm him down. The touch that remains isn't necessary, his hand had been cleaned after all it feels like a bit of a peace offering and an invitation of sorts. ]

I need... Ronan to understand. [ He thinks that Andyr can understand, at least a little. Maybe. ] If he doesn't understand it doesn't accomplish what i want it to...

[ He's talking just to Andyr even though he's well aware that Ronan can hear him. ]

He doesn't make that easy. [ Spoken wryly, with a brow lifted, and a glance shot back to the boy in question, just now remembering that ronan is soaked head to toe. right, about that. ] He was pissing me off, so I threw him in the tub. Sorry.

[ you're not the only one who finds his beautiful, stupid face impossible, okay? andyr doesn't need to be holding adam's hand anymore, no, and he feels awkward still doing it, but some part of him feels like it's needed. stoic as the both of them both are, they're still deeply emotional things, and adam seems spun out of control. something andyr knows he can't come to terms with well, so he tries to do what he'd done for ronan, and just anchor for the moment. ]

He needs to know you're not hurting yourself with this. [ which, perhaps, is the inherent problem, because adam clearly was hurting from it before. unless they can find a way for this to happen without costing one or the other of them, it isn't going to work. that brings him around to what he's suspecting is the linchpin of this for adam - the thought he's lacking in some way, and that andyr is a bandaid for that. andyr's head bows a little closer, voice quiet as his head tips to search adam's features. ] And you need to know that you're already enough.

[ in the same way ronan has to trust adam that he's everything for him, adam needs to trust that he can be all that ronan needs. some things more difficult that others, perhaps, but it's the willingness to try that makes the availability of it. ]

[ Adam wants to argue that he's not enough. There's really no argument to be made that would make him believe that he was. He needs Andyr's help as much as he thinks Ronan needs it. He's turning the words over, turning everything over in his logical way of approaching problems. He steps out of it to look at it as a whole, to see where he can fix this for himself and where they could make this work because he needs it to work.

At least he thinks that he needs it, truly believes that to be the case.

He spares a quick glance at Ronan before he leans in closer to Andyr, pressing his lips to his. He half expects to be pushed away. He doesn't have any right to kiss Andyr, not like Ronan does. It's not a passionate kiss but it's honest. It's his invitation, his peace deal with Andyr, with trying to accept a place in this that feels like he might belong in. ]

[ this was not expected.

andyr'd been waiting for an argument, for having to sit here long hours and try to talk adam into believing past his insecurities, but what he gets instead is tentative lips pressed to his. the thing both ronan and adam fail to understand about andyr - he doesn't kiss or touch because he wants something, or for romantic need, though it's sometimes twined together. it's because, most of the time, he doesn't know how else to communicate a feeling beyond just handing himself bodily over. there's a lot of topics he can ramble about on end, but sentiments as pure as wanting comfort or giving affection, or a desire to protect, are too complex for him to feel he can do justice to.

so, really, it's like a sigh of relief to have adam speaking a language he can understand. andyr pressed back softly - careful, but welcoming. inviting, as his touch on adam's hand curls in, fingers lacing and giving a soft squeeze at his hand, trying to reassure. perhaps the both of them need this sort of thing, in their different ways. in that sense, all three of them do. ronan, who feels too lost at sea. adam, who can't believe in a place where he belongs. and andyr, who hardly believes he's still capable of anything this soft.

carefully, as if something will break if he moves too fast, he reaches a hand up to brush at adam's hair, all a dusty gold that reminds andyr of rich earth and sunshine, fingers carding through the strands and settling at the back of his head, cradling. ]

[Andyr speaks with so much more eloquence than Ronan will ever be capable of. It would normally bother him, the two of them discussing him as if he isn't there, speculating on his thoughts and feelings. But Andyr has a miraculous way of getting him right. Indisputably.

Ronan does the smart thing, for once, and keeps his mouth shut. Andyr had appealed for him to listen, so he listens. And watches. The whole problem seems insurmountable to him, until suddenly it isn't, and Andyr's leaning in and Adam meets him there.

They're kissing.

Ronan doesn't so much as breathe. He doesn't take his eyes off them. He doesn't even blink. He feels as if he might break the spell if he moves an inch. The feeling that rises up within him is something he can't easily identify. He knows it only enough to know that it isn't jealousy. It isn't anger. Something opposite. Like the sensation of unlocking a door when he's been fighting to turn the key for ages. Or when he's battling a concept in his dreams and finally a creation begins to form in his hands.

If they can love each other - if they can love each other as much as he loves them - then maybe it won't fall apart.]

[The kiss doesn't feel wrong or unwanted or like it is anything but Andyr responding to him. While he's had maybe a few kisses before Ronan it had never meant anything. Being kissed by Ronan and kissing him back had been the start of a responsibility to not break him Anad the first time he had cared so much, the first time he struggled to comprehend something being more than mere friendship.

This kiss is different still. Andyr's hand in his hair, their hands laced together and his uninjured hand remains at his side but he's thinking about the things he could do with it as he kisses Andyr.

If Andyr can kiss him like this then he isn't the outsider he thought he was, right? He lingers there before pulling back the taste of Andyr still on his lips.]

Its a start right? [a quiet question to the both of them.]

[ the months he's spent perplexed and confused and frustrated by this kid are starting to make sense, andyr thinks. not from the one kiss, but the entirety of this day. the control that he needs, the logic he hinges on, how he's neither mild nor erratic solely, but snaps to one or the other when it's needed. there's a method to him, and a purpose, and a bravery he finds despite himself.

andyr's smiling when they part, drifting from adam's lips to press another kiss to his forehead, something like a quiet thank you, for trusting him with this, for trying it, for bringing him along. ]

It's a good start. [ he confirms, hand smoothing over adam's hair, before he lifts his eyes to ronan, checking for how he'd taken it. but, it feels good. this, whatever it is, feels like the place they'd been trying to find. ]

[Ronan drops his gaze, at last, but only for a moment. He's not sure what to do next. They've found a tentative peace. Ronan has a habit of shattering that sort of thing and he knows that quite well. He takes a breath as his fingers twist up in his bracelets, fidgeting.]

Thank you.

[Something he should have said earlier, probably. But he'd seen an insult, not a gift. He's assured it's not an insult now, though he still doesn't fully understand what it is. Can an equal love exist between three people? And if it isn't equal, are they harming Andyr in the long run? Ronan glances at him before looking to Adam.]

I think we should forget about my rule.

[ Adam turns to look at Ronan too and he thinks that things might not be equal but that's because they're not the same, to begin with. On their own, they're something different, in their different make ups and each part had it's own meaning, purpose and somehow he thinks that means it would be okay. If he broke down this emotionally charged thing into a logic puzzle he could see more clearly how it works, how it truly isn't a competition.

And maybe he's enough because he's enough for the parts he's meant to be. Three machines that could work together, that didn't require all three parts at all times. He thinks it's kind of like that. ]

I think... I want to add a rule. [ Since he's being a little more honest and he hopes that it doesn't hurt Andyr or strain the peace they'd just come to. ]

I think you and I need something that's just ours still.

[Something flutters painfully near Ronan's heart. It might be the relief of discovering he still matters to Adam. He tries to ignore it, because he should have known it already.]

Okay.

[ Adam is worried still he'll hurt Andyr somehow in this so he squeezes his hand before letting go, exhaling heavily. ]

What we did earlier...that... that can just be ours? [ He feels guilty, it feels like something big to deny from Andyr. ]

[Ronan nods, grateful. It shouldn't matter anymore, really. His virginity's already lost. He's just not sure he's ready to do it again, or often, or with anyone other than Adam. That Adam doesn't want him to do it, either, must mean it had significance to him, too.]

It should be ours, yeah.

[ andyr's hardly hurt by it, really more relieved that they're able to find a balance in this that suits them. this thing doesn't need to be completely equal, because they aren't all here for the same reasons. the base of this entire thing is their love, and that should stay sacred. ]

It should be. [ andyr agrees, glancing between them to reassure, yes, he's fine, he doesn't need it to be with you both. ] That belongs with the two of you.

[ Adam feels relieved that that's the response Andyr has for it, that Ronan agrees too. It felt selfish to ask but it's honest if nothing else. ]

Well, Ronan, was right about you needing a bath.

[Blood pressure returning to normal, Ronan's shoulders sink a bit as the tension leaves them. Adam and Andyr are talking, finally. To each other. And they kissed. Adam's lips on Andyr's. The memory leaves Ronan with butterflies in his stomach.

As if on cue, Ronan peels off his clingy shirt, dropping it onto the pile of wet clothes he's already shed. He looks from Adam to Andyr, saying nothing but quirking an eyebrow.]

[ andyr's brows slowly arch to adam in the sort of 'oh really, motherfucker?' expression that generally leads to mischief, especially when combined on the slow smirk that spreads over his lips, as he leans to the side to whisper mock-conspiratorial at adam's shoulder. ]

The way I see it, the only one here who hasn't had a bath yet, is you. [ with no further warning, he'll be snatching adam's scrawny self up in his arms, and marching him straight towards the pool, though thankfully not tossing him like he had ronan. instead, just sitting himself directly down, and sinking them both in, straight to the bottom. whatever part of andyr was left dry before is no longer. ]

[ Adam didn't have time to finish his thought about being uncertain about getting in the bath with Andyr, as he quickly saw that being what's going to happen when Ronan's shirt is added to the pile of wet clothes he'd got out of.

There's no time to think at all because Andyr had already grabbed him and they both sunk down into the bath that was just the right temperature, the same as it had been when Ronan first made it. the water stings on his knuckles but he laughs and slips free of Andyr's hold after that, turning to look at Ronan. ]

Joining us?

[Adam's laughing. The sound instantly brightens Ronan's face, drawing out a laugh of his own. He's so fucking relieved.

Ronan doesn't bother wasting time to remove his jeans. He instantly steps forward when prompted, obediently climbing into the water beside Adam. He reaches for the hem of Adam's now-soaked shirt, not to tug it off but to merely hold onto it for now.

With his other hand, he hooks a finger under the waistband of Andyr's jeans, drawing him closer.]

You nerds.

[ andyr feels full to bursting, everything fitting in just right, everyone finding a place with each other. Adam feels right in his arms and his laughter is a beautiful thing. Ronan's smiling like the sun again and andyr can't help grinning back, all toothy and boyish.

Flopping back against Ronan as he tugs at his jeans, andyr's content to rest against his chest for a moment, sighing out, before tugging at the hem of his hoodie. The garment comes off, along with the shirt underneath it, both tossed to the side, leaving the ports imbedded down the length of his spine in clear view. It occurs to him Adam hasn't seen them, but he makes no motion to hide it. ]

Like you aren't one too.

[ There's uncertainty for a moment as he sees Andyr pulling off his hoodie and shirt. He's both drawn to staring and feeling a hesitant shyness about looking at him. He drops his eyes after taking in the view of him, ports that he didn't really understand what they could be but Adam being Adam wouldn't ask.

He shifts so he can pepper a light kiss on Ronan's lips. He's glad there's peace and he takes a brief moment to soak in Ronan, cupping his cheek briefly before dividing his attention again to the both of them. ]

[Ronan is immensely grateful for Adam's kiss, soft and fleeting though it is. He has hope, at least, that not too much damage was done. Adam's laughter and his affection work to dispel those earlier worries. Here they are, the three of them, learning to fall in love with each other.

His attention follows Adam's back to Andyr and that sculpted body of his. It occurs to Ronan that Adam's probably never seen Andyr this bare before, his thoughts not on the ports but on the perfection of his musculature. Ronan is always a bit insecure about his build around Andyr, even though he's no flabby weakling himself, and that feeling doubles with Adam's gaze on him, too.]

Now you're just showing off.

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