deconstruct | [SAV] IC INBOX/MAILBOX

[ Adam wants to argue that he's not enough. There's really no argument to be made that would make him believe that he was. He needs Andyr's help as much as he thinks Ronan needs it. He's turning the words over, turning everything over in his logical way of approaching problems. He steps out of it to look at it as a whole, to see where he can fix this for himself and where they could make this work because he needs it to work.

At least he thinks that he needs it, truly believes that to be the case.

He spares a quick glance at Ronan before he leans in closer to Andyr, pressing his lips to his. He half expects to be pushed away. He doesn't have any right to kiss Andyr, not like Ronan does. It's not a passionate kiss but it's honest. It's his invitation, his peace deal with Andyr, with trying to accept a place in this that feels like he might belong in. ]

[ this was not expected.

andyr'd been waiting for an argument, for having to sit here long hours and try to talk adam into believing past his insecurities, but what he gets instead is tentative lips pressed to his. the thing both ronan and adam fail to understand about andyr - he doesn't kiss or touch because he wants something, or for romantic need, though it's sometimes twined together. it's because, most of the time, he doesn't know how else to communicate a feeling beyond just handing himself bodily over. there's a lot of topics he can ramble about on end, but sentiments as pure as wanting comfort or giving affection, or a desire to protect, are too complex for him to feel he can do justice to.

so, really, it's like a sigh of relief to have adam speaking a language he can understand. andyr pressed back softly - careful, but welcoming. inviting, as his touch on adam's hand curls in, fingers lacing and giving a soft squeeze at his hand, trying to reassure. perhaps the both of them need this sort of thing, in their different ways. in that sense, all three of them do. ronan, who feels too lost at sea. adam, who can't believe in a place where he belongs. and andyr, who hardly believes he's still capable of anything this soft.

carefully, as if something will break if he moves too fast, he reaches a hand up to brush at adam's hair, all a dusty gold that reminds andyr of rich earth and sunshine, fingers carding through the strands and settling at the back of his head, cradling. ]

[Andyr speaks with so much more eloquence than Ronan will ever be capable of. It would normally bother him, the two of them discussing him as if he isn't there, speculating on his thoughts and feelings. But Andyr has a miraculous way of getting him right. Indisputably.

Ronan does the smart thing, for once, and keeps his mouth shut. Andyr had appealed for him to listen, so he listens. And watches. The whole problem seems insurmountable to him, until suddenly it isn't, and Andyr's leaning in and Adam meets him there.

They're kissing.

Ronan doesn't so much as breathe. He doesn't take his eyes off them. He doesn't even blink. He feels as if he might break the spell if he moves an inch. The feeling that rises up within him is something he can't easily identify. He knows it only enough to know that it isn't jealousy. It isn't anger. Something opposite. Like the sensation of unlocking a door when he's been fighting to turn the key for ages. Or when he's battling a concept in his dreams and finally a creation begins to form in his hands.

If they can love each other - if they can love each other as much as he loves them - then maybe it won't fall apart.]

[The kiss doesn't feel wrong or unwanted or like it is anything but Andyr responding to him. While he's had maybe a few kisses before Ronan it had never meant anything. Being kissed by Ronan and kissing him back had been the start of a responsibility to not break him Anad the first time he had cared so much, the first time he struggled to comprehend something being more than mere friendship.

This kiss is different still. Andyr's hand in his hair, their hands laced together and his uninjured hand remains at his side but he's thinking about the things he could do with it as he kisses Andyr.

If Andyr can kiss him like this then he isn't the outsider he thought he was, right? He lingers there before pulling back the taste of Andyr still on his lips.]

Its a start right? [a quiet question to the both of them.]

[ the months he's spent perplexed and confused and frustrated by this kid are starting to make sense, andyr thinks. not from the one kiss, but the entirety of this day. the control that he needs, the logic he hinges on, how he's neither mild nor erratic solely, but snaps to one or the other when it's needed. there's a method to him, and a purpose, and a bravery he finds despite himself.

andyr's smiling when they part, drifting from adam's lips to press another kiss to his forehead, something like a quiet thank you, for trusting him with this, for trying it, for bringing him along. ]

It's a good start. [ he confirms, hand smoothing over adam's hair, before he lifts his eyes to ronan, checking for how he'd taken it. but, it feels good. this, whatever it is, feels like the place they'd been trying to find. ]

[Ronan drops his gaze, at last, but only for a moment. He's not sure what to do next. They've found a tentative peace. Ronan has a habit of shattering that sort of thing and he knows that quite well. He takes a breath as his fingers twist up in his bracelets, fidgeting.]

Thank you.

[Something he should have said earlier, probably. But he'd seen an insult, not a gift. He's assured it's not an insult now, though he still doesn't fully understand what it is. Can an equal love exist between three people? And if it isn't equal, are they harming Andyr in the long run? Ronan glances at him before looking to Adam.]

I think we should forget about my rule.

[ Adam turns to look at Ronan too and he thinks that things might not be equal but that's because they're not the same, to begin with. On their own, they're something different, in their different make ups and each part had it's own meaning, purpose and somehow he thinks that means it would be okay. If he broke down this emotionally charged thing into a logic puzzle he could see more clearly how it works, how it truly isn't a competition.

And maybe he's enough because he's enough for the parts he's meant to be. Three machines that could work together, that didn't require all three parts at all times. He thinks it's kind of like that. ]

I think... I want to add a rule. [ Since he's being a little more honest and he hopes that it doesn't hurt Andyr or strain the peace they'd just come to. ]

I think you and I need something that's just ours still.

[Something flutters painfully near Ronan's heart. It might be the relief of discovering he still matters to Adam. He tries to ignore it, because he should have known it already.]

Okay.

[ Adam is worried still he'll hurt Andyr somehow in this so he squeezes his hand before letting go, exhaling heavily. ]

What we did earlier...that... that can just be ours? [ He feels guilty, it feels like something big to deny from Andyr. ]

[Ronan nods, grateful. It shouldn't matter anymore, really. His virginity's already lost. He's just not sure he's ready to do it again, or often, or with anyone other than Adam. That Adam doesn't want him to do it, either, must mean it had significance to him, too.]

It should be ours, yeah.

[ andyr's hardly hurt by it, really more relieved that they're able to find a balance in this that suits them. this thing doesn't need to be completely equal, because they aren't all here for the same reasons. the base of this entire thing is their love, and that should stay sacred. ]

It should be. [ andyr agrees, glancing between them to reassure, yes, he's fine, he doesn't need it to be with you both. ] That belongs with the two of you.

[ Adam feels relieved that that's the response Andyr has for it, that Ronan agrees too. It felt selfish to ask but it's honest if nothing else. ]

Well, Ronan, was right about you needing a bath.

[Blood pressure returning to normal, Ronan's shoulders sink a bit as the tension leaves them. Adam and Andyr are talking, finally. To each other. And they kissed. Adam's lips on Andyr's. The memory leaves Ronan with butterflies in his stomach.

As if on cue, Ronan peels off his clingy shirt, dropping it onto the pile of wet clothes he's already shed. He looks from Adam to Andyr, saying nothing but quirking an eyebrow.]

[ andyr's brows slowly arch to adam in the sort of 'oh really, motherfucker?' expression that generally leads to mischief, especially when combined on the slow smirk that spreads over his lips, as he leans to the side to whisper mock-conspiratorial at adam's shoulder. ]

The way I see it, the only one here who hasn't had a bath yet, is you. [ with no further warning, he'll be snatching adam's scrawny self up in his arms, and marching him straight towards the pool, though thankfully not tossing him like he had ronan. instead, just sitting himself directly down, and sinking them both in, straight to the bottom. whatever part of andyr was left dry before is no longer. ]

[ Adam didn't have time to finish his thought about being uncertain about getting in the bath with Andyr, as he quickly saw that being what's going to happen when Ronan's shirt is added to the pile of wet clothes he'd got out of.

There's no time to think at all because Andyr had already grabbed him and they both sunk down into the bath that was just the right temperature, the same as it had been when Ronan first made it. the water stings on his knuckles but he laughs and slips free of Andyr's hold after that, turning to look at Ronan. ]

Joining us?

[Adam's laughing. The sound instantly brightens Ronan's face, drawing out a laugh of his own. He's so fucking relieved.

Ronan doesn't bother wasting time to remove his jeans. He instantly steps forward when prompted, obediently climbing into the water beside Adam. He reaches for the hem of Adam's now-soaked shirt, not to tug it off but to merely hold onto it for now.

With his other hand, he hooks a finger under the waistband of Andyr's jeans, drawing him closer.]

You nerds.

[ andyr feels full to bursting, everything fitting in just right, everyone finding a place with each other. Adam feels right in his arms and his laughter is a beautiful thing. Ronan's smiling like the sun again and andyr can't help grinning back, all toothy and boyish.

Flopping back against Ronan as he tugs at his jeans, andyr's content to rest against his chest for a moment, sighing out, before tugging at the hem of his hoodie. The garment comes off, along with the shirt underneath it, both tossed to the side, leaving the ports imbedded down the length of his spine in clear view. It occurs to him Adam hasn't seen them, but he makes no motion to hide it. ]

Like you aren't one too.

[ There's uncertainty for a moment as he sees Andyr pulling off his hoodie and shirt. He's both drawn to staring and feeling a hesitant shyness about looking at him. He drops his eyes after taking in the view of him, ports that he didn't really understand what they could be but Adam being Adam wouldn't ask.

He shifts so he can pepper a light kiss on Ronan's lips. He's glad there's peace and he takes a brief moment to soak in Ronan, cupping his cheek briefly before dividing his attention again to the both of them. ]

[Ronan is immensely grateful for Adam's kiss, soft and fleeting though it is. He has hope, at least, that not too much damage was done. Adam's laughter and his affection work to dispel those earlier worries. Here they are, the three of them, learning to fall in love with each other.

His attention follows Adam's back to Andyr and that sculpted body of his. It occurs to Ronan that Adam's probably never seen Andyr this bare before, his thoughts not on the ports but on the perfection of his musculature. Ronan is always a bit insecure about his build around Andyr, even though he's no flabby weakling himself, and that feeling doubles with Adam's gaze on him, too.]

Now you're just showing off.

[ had Adam wanted to ask, andyr would feel fine with telling him, but it's not a great story for the present moment. Not when they're all full of joy and everything's all new and nervous and exciting. Instead, he can feel the eyes in his body, and Ronan makes no secret of it, with the commentary, pulling a sharp laugh from andyr, as he splashes a bit of water up at him. ]

Aw, what happened to 'I can throw you off a cliff', huh? [ reaching for him, andyr pinches at Ronan's stomach, fingers lingering over his abs, pressing a kiss to his cheek. ] Don't cry, you're still gorgeous.

[ leaning over, the other hand hooks behind Adam's neck, tugging him forward for another kiss, less careful, but still sweet and slow. ] So are you.

[ Adam watches that exchange and it's not painful anymore. Something had shaken into place and he's happy even if it took a ridiculous extent to get it there. Even if he'd lost his temper in the process. Both Andyr and Ronan are gorgeous, bodies toned and just right for tempting him. It's not that he's not muscular but he's far more lithe, his muscles more practical than sculpted in a way, more so his arms being strong than defined abs or chest.

But he doesn't feel inadequate somehow -- especially when Andyr leans in, pulling him into another kiss. He feels wanted again and he doesn't immediately not believe Andyr. ]

You too. [ Because it's true. Later, maybe, he'd want to run his hands over the other's chest and stomach but he can't find it in himself to do that yet, to touch him in a way he'd never touched anyone else but Ronan. That would be too much too soon.

But he can definitely enjoy the view. ]

[Ronan's heart skips a beat when Andyr kisses Adam again. It's such a strange feeling to have, a something else in the place where he would have expected anxiety or jealousy. Ronan's beginning to think Adam understood something about him that he didn't see for himself. Whether or not it's a defect, he can't say for sure.

His mouth finds Andyr's shoulder, laying a kiss of gratitude there. He's so shamefully happy to feel Andyr's bare skin against his lips again. He shouldn't have missed this as much as he did. He's beginning to think he'd fallen in deeper love with Andyr than he'd realized, only figuring it out now that a months-long ache is finally subsiding.

Ronan's hand is still twisted up in the hem of Adam's shirt, and now his fingers gradually release it, sliding under the fabric, his palm gliding along Adam's hip and around to the small of his back. He wants to keep Adam close to them.]

[ kissing adam, with the warmth of ronan so close at his side, pressing lips to his shoulder, feels like more simple goodness in his world than andyr quite knows how to process and accept. his fingers curl in adam's wet hair, the other hand on ronan's stomach curve over his side, squeezing as if he needs to hold him still and present. the entire argument, he'd been more focused on the two of them, trying to find a middle ground, a place that the two of them could accept, that it hadn't really occurred to him what these boys are unknowingly stepping into in pulling andyr into their love life. ronan hadn't been through the mood swings steve had, or gained any of the gashes or bruises from being too close while andyr was too lost in his head. even so, just a while ago, he'd been talking to this boy he loves like he'd been dirt. ]

I'm not good at this. [ admitted quietly, as he pulls back from adam, tilting to glance back at ronan as well. he likely understands more of why, where he'd come from and how different all of this is to him. even the darkness of this planet still held an odd civility to it that still feels like it doesn't quite fit his skin. ] Peace, quiet.

Having people that matter. [ people to care about hurting, and the both of these boys are so, so fragile. adam had brought up one thing at the wrong timing. andyr's told people they're better off killing themselves than wasting air with their worthlessness, when in a particularly bad mood. ]

[ Adam feels his pulse quicken at Ronan's hand slipping under his shirt, his touch welcome and he smiles as he relaxes even further. He looks at Andyr when he pulls back, thinking of what he said and in a way he can understand, maybe from different perspectives but this... peace, quiet... something safe and kind. Ronan has been the first person to ever provided him with a feeling of safety.

Adam's not good at this life either. He never exactly had an example or much exposure to it. ]

I'm not that good at it either. [ He'd been looking out for himself for a long time it's only in the last year or so that he had become friends with Gansey and the others and then fallen in love with Ronan. ]

[Ronan is so unlike either of them. His problems are the opposite sort: He is spoiled and unduly adored by almost everyone who comes into contact with him, even those he abuses. He was born into immense wealth and was never lacking in love. He always had everything he could ever want, and only recently did he lose it all.

Maybe that's why both statements sound like bullshit to him.]

It's not calculus or football, you guys. There's nothing to get "good" at.

[In the emotional sense, anyway. Ronan's still pretty sure his lovemaking could use some work. But on the topic at hand, which is the capability of love, it's so obvious to him that both of these beautiful boys know exactly what they're doing. After all, they've managed to wrangle him this far while he opposed violently, kicking and screaming at every turn.

He brushes another kiss over Andyr's skin.]

Everyone's a disaster sometimes. But you... You're like a hurricane. Your peace and quiet's hidden away in the center of you, and maybe people have to go through a lotta shit to get there and find it, but it's worth it. Because this is what's waiting there.

And you -

[He turns to Adam, pressing a kiss to his temple.]

Magician, you wouldn't be what you are if you weren't perfect at love. Stupid fights and everything else don't matter as long as you've got what's in you. Think of everything you've given up and tell me that isn't perfect love. Who the fuck else would have done what you did?

[Not one of them threw themselves down as the sacrifice. Only Adam.]

I swear, it's like you guys think life's supposed to be a rom-com. The truth is, we're in a horror story and we managed to make a miracle happen. That's pretty fucking good.

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