deconstruct | [SAV] IC INBOX/MAILBOX

[Ronan doesn't know if this was Andyr's plan or not. He doesn't know if this is what "fixing it" looks like, or if it's a success. All he knows is that the urge to die subsides the moment their lips meet. His mouth remembers every single kiss they've ever shared. His mouth also knows it's been terribly deprived over the past month or so, in the time they've been apart. There's a physical joy in their reunion that transcends his troubled mind.

At the same time, he can feel his hand in Adam's, the warmth of their palms pressed together. He squeezes gently, his fingers stroking Adam's skin. He hasn't forgotten Adam. He might never know if the reverse is true, if Adam is still capable of feeling love for him. But Ronan will always love him. Ronan would have married him.

The kiss is tender. Sensual, but not vulgar. Andyr always seems to understand what he needs for comfort, and this is no different. Even when the kiss breaks, Ronan doesn't draw away. He can feel Adam's eyes on him and fights the urge to look back, afraid of what he'll see. He doesn't know what would be worse: Adam's disapproval or his approval. Better to focus on what he's gaining instead of what he's losing. Ronan's other hand reaches up to palm Andyr's cheek.]

Don't hold back either, Adam.

[This, said without looking at him.]

[ it's like fresh air after being held underwater, this kiss, and andyr's fighting the urge to let out something that would probably sound more like a whimper, betraying more of how much he wants this than he'd like. Besides, Ronan has to already know, in the way his hands pull at him, and his lips press in a way that feels almost too desperate.

Ronan's palm against his cheek is something he's deeply missed, that kind of intimate, loving touch they'd sworn off in the last month or so, and his head tilts, leaning into it, with a sigh that feels like relief. Andyr cups the back of his head, fingertips scratching through short, buzzed hair affectionately, remembering how he loves the feeling of his short shorn hair under his hand. He hears it, though, the want for Adam, but the fear of doing something wrong, and the hand at Ronan's back lifts one finger, making a crooking motion to beckon Adam into this.

he needs you, you moron, show him you're still here, he wants to scream at Adam, but that's breaking the unspoken rules of this. you made him terrified, now freaking fix it.

All of this is meaningless if he doesn't still have Adam, if he doesn't feel like he's pleased him, like he's done right, like nothing's actually changed between the two of them. Adam, so freaking help him, get in here and love your boyfriend. ]

[Adam wonders if Andyr sees through him. He's tried to keep the sadness and hurt off his face but he's not sure if he has. He almost laughs at the irony of Ronan's words. After all this entire thing is an exercise him denying hismelf and holding back.

He's not sure what to do between that and Andyr's motioning him. He doesn't fit. Ronans attention is still on andyr. Even when he's alone with Ronan he habitually holds back terrified of asking for too much. It's a miracle he'd finally asked him to make love to him.

He's sure Ronan regrets it though, or will. He reaches out his free hand to touch Ronan's thigh, fingers squeezing on his hand.]

Kiss me. [It's soft and more like a question than a demand or instruction his hand moving from his thigh to the side of his neck though he doesn't make him turn his head.]

[Ronan doesn't know what he's looking at when he finally turns his eyes to Adam. He can't tell if he's imagining the sense that he's somehow left Adam behind, even with their hands clasped so tight. If Adam truly wants this, why doesn't he look happier? (Of course, Ronan can't imagine how he would feel if he did see joy on Adam's face at a time like this.)

Maybe Ronan is the only broken one. Maybe this is what people do. Maybe, as with all other matters concerning faith and intimacy, he's somewhere in the Dark Ages. Maybe he's reading too deeply into this things, and like his virginity, his body was never sacred. Maybe love was never how he imagined it.

He can still taste Andyr on his lips as he leans in to kiss Adam. The movement is subtle, not enough to pull himself free of Andyr's arms. It feels strange to have so many hands on him at once, at his back and in his hair and on his thigh then at his neck and holding onto him. If he wasn't so afraid, he could feel like a lucky man. According to any logical math, how can double of something feel equal to none?

His fear is in his kiss, grazing Adam's lips like he's testing the temperature of them. He deepens the kiss only when he finds they're still warm to his presence, and he's still welcome there.]

[ andyr has no argument with their kiss parting for ronan to turn to adam, a natural flow in how he bows his head to press his forehead to ronan's shoulder, again, and drop the hand from the back of his head down to his back, so as not to bump into adam's. the other arm still wrapped around his torso, like a support, his palm smooths over ronan's back in long strokes, like trying to soothe and ill child. ]

Shh, you're okay. [ Andyr's murmuring quiet against his friend's shoulder, eyes closed, and he still feels like he's failing him. all he wants to do is guide him back into adam's arms and disappear, wishing adam would suddenly realize how stupid it is to put them into this, but no one's called a stop to it yet. and so, he's still desperately trying to find a way to make this work. with adam's self-sacrifice, with ronan's all or nothing view of love, and with how discarded it leaves the latter feeling now. ] No one's going anywhere, you're okay.

[ supporting him, absolutely, is the best he knows how to do right now. regardless of whatever happens here, the one thing andyr knows he can do is make sure ronan always has something to lean on, and someone to insure he's never alone. he will physically hold this boy together, if that's the most he can do, but the rest of it is up to adam to fill in. he knows ronan's terrified adam doesn't want him anymore, and all andyr can do is try to help adam convince him that it'll never be the case. ] Adam's still right here, and you're still everything to him.

[ that much, andyr does know, or adam wouldn't be putting himself through this at all. ]

[ Adam can hear Andyr though he tries not to think about what he's saying. It hits right in the middle of all the insecurities that he feels. He squeezes Ronan's hand tighter instead, clinging to him in a small way. If Ronan could read his mind he'd know how much Adam loves him, needs him, wants him and how perfect Ronan is for him but the fact that Adam knows despite Ronan's blind faith that he has that part of him that wants more than Adam, maybe even needs more. It goes against the grind but if Adam didn't believe it he wouldn't have fought for this.

His hand strokes along the side of his neck gently, also carefully avoiding touching Andyr, though his presence is imposing and one that couldn't be ignored even if he didn't touch him. He kisses Ronan openly though, trying to reassure him of his own love and devotion in it.

It would have been easier to not have to play an active role in what was supposed to be him letting Ronan have it all, letting him give into that longing instead of doing what he always does when he wants something. Hadn't he spent so much time chastising and withholding his own desires with adam as well? ]

[Andyr's words don't make sense to Ronan. He understands why they're being said, and why Andyr might think he needs to hear them. Reality is different, though, isn't it? No one just gives away a beloved possession.

He was stupid, that's all. It was naive of him to believe in eternal love, to daydream about marriage, to believe he might be anything more than a way to pass the time until graduation. Poor Adam. He'd only been curious, and he found himself in the claws of a needy, wretched monster.

Ronan steels himself. He takes these thoughts and he boxes them away, to be unpacked later in his dreams, in the company of night horrors. He thinks, What would Adam want out of this? and he settles on: To believe it's working.

It isn't a lie to kiss Adam with heated passion, shedding all his insecure hesitation to crush his lips against Adam's with a low purr. It isn't a lie, either, for his free hand to glide back over Andyr's thigh. Let both of them have him. Let neither feel responsible.]

[ at this point, andyr can't possibly know what's going on in either ronan or adam's head, and it feels some how so much more isolating than anything else had up to the point. strange, that he'd been given the go ahead to be intimate with ronan, and he couldn't feel farther from him.

he's trying to understand it, going to places in his head to compare. thinks of alva, and miray, and their baby. thinks of his own quiet choice to get them safely to alaska, and leave them there, while he disappears. andyr wonders if that's what he ought to do here, after they part ways. let the two of them tangle back together, and once they make it to the city on the other side of the ingress, find somewhere to disappear to. after all, this all started with him taking more than was his to have, didn't it?

ronan's hand reaches for him, stroking over his thigh, and he meets it automatically, tangling their fingers together, as if natural instinct, squeezing. he'll always feel responsible, because that's who andyr is. he's so oppressively overbearing of the people that become important to him that he'd rather take a choice out of their hands and make them hate him then let them linger in a place he knows is bad for them. like this.

eyes fall to his hand at ronan's back again, at the bits of dirt under his dull nails here and there, and remembers what ahab had told him about the people that he's come to love here, and what they'll be to him when he's gone. you won't be able to turn it off. you're gonna miss it every day. it's going to eat at you. andyr cannot keep ronan either way. he isn't going home with him, he isn't staying here. what's the point of dragging the two of them through this, when he has a deadline on his time with them?

maybe he'll get lucky and adam will snap back to his senses before this is over. ]

[ Adam melts into the kiss a little, his hand continuing to hold tight to Ronan's hand through the other slides down his chest, pressing over his heart. He loves him so much he would do anything for him at all.

Slowly he breaks the kiss but he presses his face into the crook of Ronan's neck, eyes squeezed shut. He could have gotten lost in the kiss but this isn't about him. He's not sure what to do how to make this work at all now that it's shifted.

He's hyper aware of Andyr's presence and that he should probably stop hiding in Ronan's neck but he doesn't lift his head yet, fingers curling into his chest. Why couldn't the simple way with Ronan having what he missed and then still having Adam be enough? ]

[They're hiding from each other, Ronan realizes. In Adam's case, it's a confirmation that he's lying. No way in hell did he ever fantasize about this. In Andyr's case, it's not surprising at all. He's doing what he always does: Protecting Ronan.]

We can stop now.

[Here's their chance. They can both back out now and admit neither of them really wants this. Possibly, also, that neither of them really want him. Andyr did a fine job of calling Adam's bluff, forcing him to remain present and bear witness to what it was he was asking of them, but the point's now proven. This is the opportunity for Adam to take back his request and say what he really means.]

Or we can take a bath. I know Andyr needs one.

[He says it like it's a joke, his lips curling into a smirk. It's not a joke, though. Ronan can't stand to be the only one vulnerable here. If a game is going to be made out of his sexuality, the ice has to break. He's going to lose his mind.]

[ Adam doesn't pull back from his hiding spot pressed into Ronan's neck, not right away. But when he does he's still turning over both the words and the off handed comment about Andyr and the bath.

They really shouldn't have met here. Adam should've kept this place for himself and Ronan. That is his fault, really. ]

I don't want... to stop. [ Exactly. He doesn't want to have to be involved but he knows those are the stipulations and he can work with this. He can. ]

I saw you guys... in the med tent. I ... just... Ronan, you miss what you had with him, don't you? I planned to talk to you about this since then... [ He also spent quite a bit of time alone drunk and maybe with some drugs courtesy of Kavinsky but he leaves that information out. ]

How I feel doesn't change because I don't want to make you guys not have it... [ Words aren't his strong suit, especially not when their emotional, when he's terrified. ] It's my fault everything bad that's happened... and Andyr's...

You need him too, Ronan...Please stop trying to make this more or less than what it is.

[Finally, Adam's talking. Ronan listens gratefully, and it all starts to make sense. Adam seeing something between him and Andyr - or at least believing that he did - and this entirely misguided attempt to indulge Ronan's immorality. He still doesn't understand why that was Adam's move.]

You think you saw me cheating on you so you decided I should cheat more, with your blessing.

[To Ronan, it makes no sense.]

Why would you ever blame yourself for my weaknesses? Adam, everything that's happened is because I'm an idiot and an asshole.

[Now Ronan turns to look at Andyr. He hasn't forgotten Andyr's there, even if it seems like he's trying to disappear into thin air.]

And you, Andyr... I don't want to use you. Neither of you should have to go this far for me. I fucked up the both of you, and I get it, you're scared of what I'll do. But I can be alone.

[He returns his gaze to Adam, holding himself steady.]

You're allowed to be disappointed with me. You could have just told me I wasn't what you expected. You could have said I'm not the one.

[ andyr does need a freak bath, because you two are driving him nuts and he needs to drown you in it. lovingly, because he's far from mad about this, least of all when adam's finally come around to honesty about it. he'd thought, for sure, adam would take whatever real reason there was for this to the grave, but thank god he didn't.

they start to talk and andyr thinks he can just sit here quietly, and let them resolve it. but then ronan acts like ronan, and makes his own 'it's all ronan's fault' interpretation of it, as he does. this fucking boy. ]

Ronan, he's giving you the truth now, so shut up and listen to him. [ this said accompanied by a palm smacking the back of ronan's bald little head - nothing hard or likely to hurt, just trying to knock the stupid out of him for two seconds. ] If he was disappointed he wouldn't be bending over backwards trying to make you happy as you can be.

[ he's finally lifted his face from behind ronan's shoulder, and drops his chin onto the top of it, looking at adam across from him with a tired blink, but a new kind of respect for him for going this far. sadly, it wasn't the best plan, but his heart was in a good place. ]

We're not scared of what you'll do. We're all fucked in the head, we knew that about you too when we started this. [ it'd happened in their world once, and ronan had already told andyr that he's ready to die before they'd become intimate. ] Your problem is you keep acting like everything's always ending.

[Ronan looks at Andyr again, all fire now.]

Everything is ending.

[Maybe it's cruel to point that out. It's not as if either of them have forgotten. But he's allowed to make this about him when it's actually about him. They don't get to pretend it didn't shake them up to find him the way they did, as if his mortality isn't looming over the way they treat him at all times. Ronan returns his gaze to Adam.]

Stop blaming yourself. You're the reason I'm alive, not the reason I tried to kill myself. Both of you. You both get to be mad at me for doing that to you. Instead it's like I've got a gun to your heads. Jesus, fuck trying to make me happy. Make your goddamn selves happy. Or else the only memory of me you're gonna have when I'm gone is bitterness about all that time you wasted bending over backwards to please this exhausting fucker.

[For all those burning words, his touch is tender as his fingers brush against Adam's hand.]

I don't think the timing was an accident. You regretted it, being with me. You're trying to look for a way to fix that feeling. It's easier for you to think you're not enough for me than to just admit that I'm unbearable. I've hurt you in ways that can't be undone.

from unaffluent:

[the more Ronan talks, the more Adam finds himself angrier and the way that he usually pulls to shreds his anger isn't working because when he's almost done Ronan's still saying something infuriating. He pulls away, his expression flickering rapidly between wounded and furious.

He doesn't trust himself to talk. He hates his anger even more than he hates himself. Ronan has it wrong. He has it all wrong and it's pain that fuels the anger at the idea that he could even think Adam would feel that way or do something with that motive. The reminder of the potential death of Ronan being imminent (he refuses to accept it as a given) is further fuel.

Adam can't bear to unleash his anger in front of Ronan much less andyr so he's out the door to find some place else to do so without the risk of hurting anyone but himself.]

[ Ronan snaps at him, and andyr meets him with the blank expression of someone waiting out a child's tantrum. Really, taking care of Ronan Lynch is a lot more like babysitting than he probably wants to hear, but the boy's so wrapped up in this agony of his. Not unfairly or unexpectedly, but the issue is, if he wants to have the kind of connections that he does, and the kind of relationship he's trying for, and to be the kind of support to Adam that he wishes he was, he's going to need to make a choice, and start changing something.

However, much as andyr's been gentle and nurturing of Ronan this entire time, watching Adam storm off looking like he'd just taken a punch to the gut, and the inkling of a suspicion of what happened before they had this talk, he's decided it's time to stop holding Ronan's hand.

In fact, it's time for ronan to shut the fuck up. Words don't ever seem to accomplish that, and Andyr wouldn't ever hit him, but luckily, Ronan made them a big pool of water. A few still seconds after the door slams behind Adam, andyr's hands hook under Ronan's thighs, and he bodily throws him into the bath just a foot or so away. ]

You're going to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up for the next five minutes if you give even half a fuck about the two of us. You don't get to decide what we're pissed about. [ andyr grinds out, standing up, and stepping into the edge of the pool, disregarding how his pant legs soak up the water. ] You're terminal, and that sucks, I get that. But you know how long most of the people I love have to live? Five years, birth to death, at best.

[ stepping closer, andyr's hands curl in the front of Ronan's jacket, tugging him up to growl into his face. ] Nothing's ending until you're fucking flatlining.

[ an arm snaps out, pointing towards the door Adam just went running out of. ]

He is trying to love you any way he knows how and you're just crumbling into your fucking self pity. How dare you even think about telling him it's a choice he's making to be without you, when you're over here going invalid on him. It's not your decision whether you're worthy of him or not either. If you're so worried about him giving up his free will, stop taking choices from him. [ rich, coming from andyr, but the principle of it is still correct and they both know that. letting go of his coat, andyr drops him back into the water, straightening up to look down at him. ] You don't get the luxury of being sensible, and taking a peaceful end. Not when you have someone depending on you. It is your responsibility, as the person that boy's chosen to love, to tell him death itself will have to crawl up from Hell and rip you out of his arms if it wants to take you. And then it's your job to fight it with everything you can reach for when it gets here. You're not just you anymore, Ronan, and you know that. So stop cowering and start fucking acting like it.

[ he'd been alright letting Ronan be afraid before, because he had a right to, but he can't have both. He can't want to make Adam happy, and do this. That's the reality of it he's missing. ]

You don't have the goddamn right to say you love him, either of us, until you're willing to do that, at least.

Edited 2017-01-31 17:55 (UTC)

[Ronan had anticipated that one or both of them would hit him. He isn't necessarily surprised when Adam opts to walk out on him, instead. But getting thrown into the water - that's a surprise. Enough to shock him into a long silence as he sputters and stares up at Andyr.

The speech is half-right, maybe. Ronan may be wrong, but he doesn't think he's incorrect in his assumptions. It can be all things. He could be full of self-pity and they could be full of unjustified guilt. They could love him with all their hearts and still quietly wish for the suffering to end already. All the adoration in the world doesn't erase the fact that he is Adam's cage and he is Andyr's burden.

He's said all he had to say, so he doesn't say anything else. He isn't going anywhere. He still belongs to Adam until Adam decides otherwise. If he doesn't return, then the matter's settled. Andyr can do as he pleases.]

[ he doesn't move, doesn't say anything, just sits there and wallows in it. If this were anyone else, anyone but Ronan, who andyr believes in so fiercely and sees so much potential in, he would be leaving. As it stands, there's few times andyr has the chance to be so involved in the disasters that tear apart people he loves, so for this one, he isn't going anywhere. What he is doing, though, after watching Ronan just sit there stubbornly devoted to his own view of them, is crouch down in the water, leveling their eyes, and speaking to him in what's almost a whisper. ] So fucking help me, Ronan Lynch, if you do not get up off your sorry ass and go apologize to that boy, I will move you myself.

[ probably not the best approach, but ronan's passed up every other option up to this point, and andyr and Adam both love him too much to let him ruin himself. ] If you're going to sit here making my decisions for me like I'm some kind of doll to torture yourself with, I have the right to make them for you too.

[ softening a moment, andyr's hands come up to touch Ronan's cheeks, bringing his lips up to press a kiss against his forehead. ] This is the faith that he needs. You won't believe him when he tells you the truth, so he told you a lie. Adam isn't one of your creations, Ronan, he's a human being and you're treating him like a delicate, naive toddler. That's not love. It's ownership.

Edited 2017-01-31 21:00 (UTC)

[He knows that Andyr's only trying to help. That he was brought here to help. But right now, at this particular moment, he's pissing Ronan off. A lot.]

He left the room because he's trying to get away from me. I'm not Kavinsky. I don't chase people.

[It's about the only difference left between him and Kavinsky anymore.]

You told me if I gave him my virginity, he'd believe I loved him. As soon as we were finished, what do you think he asked me?

Kavinsky stalks people. You could use a little more looking like you care.

[ at the moment, at least. he knows ronan cares, or this wouldn't be so big of a deal, but he puts himself into this kind of paralysis thinking whatever way the pieces fall is just fate, and it's the best thing he can do to just not try to alter things. it isn't living a life, it's waiting for someone else to. when your souls are intrinsically bound together, it's hardly fair to put all that pressure of living onto adam's shoulders.

andyr pauses, though, and tilts his head at what he's been told, going back over what was said just before adam stormed out, and everything's falling into place. ]

That's what you were talking about, with regret? [ they'd slept together, adam fumbled a decision in trying to give ronan everything he could, when ronan had become the closest to him he could possibly be, and ronan took it to be rejection, because he's ronan. now, adam tries to fix it, and ronan tells him all that well of love is just pity. ] He does believe you love him, you moron, you're not listening to him. He's trying to reach you, and you're calling him either a liar, or an idiot.

You just told him the most intimate part of himself he could give you wasn't enough to prove he loves you back. Good job.

[Ronan doesn't follow the logic. He hadn't been the one to immediately turn around and suggest Adam go find some other lover. For a brief few minutes, he had been the happiest he thought he could possibly be. He'd been trying to think of how to word his proposal, wondering what kind of ring Adam might like.

Adam had been thinking about who he could push Ronan off onto.

Miserably, Ronan climbs up out of the water. His clothes, completely soaked through, drag much of the water with him, but the bath refills magically as soon as he's out of it. He sheds his heavier layers with a splat, kicking off his boots.]

This is why we wait until marriage.

[The collective "we", meaning Catholics.]

And he's still a liar, even if he's lying for my sake. For the record, I fucking hate that.

[ Adam isn't actually that far away and neither did he stay away long. His hand lost a fight with a wall and he'd allowed himself a quick frustrated cry as he finished getting the anger out of his system, or at least to a manageable level. He's not sure what to say when he comes back into the room.

He looks confused at the fact that Ronan is wet. He managed to overhear the last line and that makes him feel the urge to run away. Adam's not good enough. He knows that he's never been and clearly Ronan is starting to realize that too. Just like Adam knew would always happen. ]

Ronan... you're a fucking idiot. You have so fucking little faith in how much I love you which I guess is fine because I know I'm not good... I don't know how to be good at this... I want to be with you forever and having sex with you only confirms that more even if you're so fucking stupid you could think that was anything else but perfect. [ Maybe he's still a little angry. He clenches and unclenches the sore and scraped hand, it'd probably be bruised later but he's glad he hadn't hit anyone nothing but a wall.

He's not his father. ]

I didn't plan for us to have sex but I had planned to ... You need him Ronan and you're so fucking stubborn you don't see what he provides that I ... [ His throat is getting thick and he just lifts up his hand in a gesture of surrender or exasperation. ]

It's not a choice between me and him. I'm not going to leave you ever.

Edited 2017-02-01 04:18 (UTC)

[ andyr's left standing in the water, watching the swirling currents left by ronan's movement through it, and the water line magically rising, listening to ronan declare this entire thing dead on arrival. the water warm around his legs, he thinks he'd like to sink into it, just let out all the air in his lungs and rest on the bottom, the world above all muted out. maybe that would fix this - ronan and adam. no reason to argue about feelings of attachment when the source isn't there. hence the original idea of disappearing into the city, once they arrived there.

but then, there's adam, in such a out-bursting, overflow of emotion andyr's left blinking wide eyed at him. this is the most he's ever seen adam say in one sitting, he thinks, and with largest amount of real emotion he's shown as well. a lot of things make sense, now. why he'd been so forceful about wanting this, how he'd never wanted to be around andyr for long, why he kept trying to give and give and give.

andyr feels out of place here, and he thinks again about sinking down underwater, but instead looks down to adam's hand, water sloshing as he starts to move from the pool to step out, cuffs of his sleeves still soaked from manhandling ronan around in it. gently, he reaches for adam's hand, and squeezes out some of the water from the bath out of his sleeve over the scrape to clean off the bit of wall from the skin. ]

There isn't some set amount of love you can give. [ he's talking to ronan here, but focusing on adam's hand and cleaning up the wounded knuckles, voice quiet. ] It's not like you start out with 100 Love Points and you can only hand out so many before the pot's empty.

It isn't with or without. Just more.

Edited 2017-02-01 04:44 (UTC)

[Unlike Andyr, Ronan isn't remotely surprised by the outburst of emotion that Adam brings with him when he storms back in. This is hardly the worst fight they've ever had, even if it might be the most painful.

Ronan stares at Adam, unmoving. His gaze drops only briefly to Adam's hand as Andyr tends to it. That fist was rightly meant for Ronan's face, and Ronan knows it. When their eyes meet again, Ronan wonders how Adam could have possibly concluded that this was the way, that Ronan could ever need or want anything more than him. From the moment of Adam's arrival, he'd been so glad to give up everything else.

But that's the problem. Adam has decided he's the only one who gets to make sacrifices around here. And for whatever reason, Andyr agrees with him.]

I don't fucking understand either of you.

[Ronan's voice is quiet now, though. The fight has gone out of him, leaving only shame in its wake. He would walk out now if he wasn't completely soaked. And if he didn't know that would absolutely destroy Adam.]

I don't understand either of you, but I'm gonna stop pretending to. You want this for me because you love me. Okay. I don't know how to make this work if you two can barely stand to look at each other, though. I can't be in the middle of this. Not like this.

[ Adam lets Andyr tend his hand. It stings, not as much as it's been throbbing when the other starts cleaning it up. He doesn't know how to help Ronan understand. Of all the things that Ronan can see in shades of grey this is the thing he can only see in black and white. He stares at the floor and it's a struggle not to close down again, not to find a safe thing to say that's not the whole truth but not quite a lie. ]

I wasn't prepared to have to be involved. I... I knew I might have to see it. I don't... I don't belong in what you two have... [ He felt like he was only pulled in out of some guilt or something else. ]

You guys have something outside of me where... [ He exhales harshly because there's the stupid tears and he clenches his jaw. ] But it's important.

[ Andyr's support to Ronan is important. Adam needs Andyr to be there to give it because there's the part of him that should do that that's defective. It's going to take him more time to learn how. ]

Sorry. [ said to adam, for pulling him into it. it'd been something of a strategy, yes, and his own stubbornness with how this was all going. he can't say he hadn't meant to hurt him, because he wanted adam to understand exactly what it was he was asking for, but they're past that point now. ronan's still angry and still confused, and adam's still upset, and andyr's caught somewhere in the middle, looking at the bright red and gradually bruising purples on adam's hand, rolling thoughts of the two of them around in his head. he doesn't know how this is supposed to work. he has no memories of happily married parents to compare to, or stable relationships. but he knows what love is, and knows the source of it matters much less than the fact of it. ]

You guys wanna be linked forever, right? That makes you one life, and in that sense, one person. Anywhere Ronan belongs, you belong. No point in him having something you don't have too. [ andyr's telling adam quietly, hands still cradling adam's in his palms, now finished cleaning up his knuckles. the idea of separation to make this work still, even after all this, feels intrinsically wrong. ]

You guys ever hear that story about the guy that sells his watch, and the woman that cuts her hair? That's you two.

[ sacrificing and sacrificing and sacrificing and not getting the core of it. maybe that's what a love like this is supposed to be like, but who knows. a thumb brushing over the back of adam's hand, andyr meets his eyes, questing but soft. ] Do you still want to do this? You don't have to.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject