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[Finally, Adam's talking. Ronan listens gratefully, and it all starts to make sense. Adam seeing something between him and Andyr - or at least believing that he did - and this entirely misguided attempt to indulge Ronan's immorality. He still doesn't understand why that was Adam's move.]

You think you saw me cheating on you so you decided I should cheat more, with your blessing.

[To Ronan, it makes no sense.]

Why would you ever blame yourself for my weaknesses? Adam, everything that's happened is because I'm an idiot and an asshole.

[Now Ronan turns to look at Andyr. He hasn't forgotten Andyr's there, even if it seems like he's trying to disappear into thin air.]

And you, Andyr... I don't want to use you. Neither of you should have to go this far for me. I fucked up the both of you, and I get it, you're scared of what I'll do. But I can be alone.

[He returns his gaze to Adam, holding himself steady.]

You're allowed to be disappointed with me. You could have just told me I wasn't what you expected. You could have said I'm not the one.

[ andyr does need a freak bath, because you two are driving him nuts and he needs to drown you in it. lovingly, because he's far from mad about this, least of all when adam's finally come around to honesty about it. he'd thought, for sure, adam would take whatever real reason there was for this to the grave, but thank god he didn't.

they start to talk and andyr thinks he can just sit here quietly, and let them resolve it. but then ronan acts like ronan, and makes his own 'it's all ronan's fault' interpretation of it, as he does. this fucking boy. ]

Ronan, he's giving you the truth now, so shut up and listen to him. [ this said accompanied by a palm smacking the back of ronan's bald little head - nothing hard or likely to hurt, just trying to knock the stupid out of him for two seconds. ] If he was disappointed he wouldn't be bending over backwards trying to make you happy as you can be.

[ he's finally lifted his face from behind ronan's shoulder, and drops his chin onto the top of it, looking at adam across from him with a tired blink, but a new kind of respect for him for going this far. sadly, it wasn't the best plan, but his heart was in a good place. ]

We're not scared of what you'll do. We're all fucked in the head, we knew that about you too when we started this. [ it'd happened in their world once, and ronan had already told andyr that he's ready to die before they'd become intimate. ] Your problem is you keep acting like everything's always ending.

[Ronan looks at Andyr again, all fire now.]

Everything is ending.

[Maybe it's cruel to point that out. It's not as if either of them have forgotten. But he's allowed to make this about him when it's actually about him. They don't get to pretend it didn't shake them up to find him the way they did, as if his mortality isn't looming over the way they treat him at all times. Ronan returns his gaze to Adam.]

Stop blaming yourself. You're the reason I'm alive, not the reason I tried to kill myself. Both of you. You both get to be mad at me for doing that to you. Instead it's like I've got a gun to your heads. Jesus, fuck trying to make me happy. Make your goddamn selves happy. Or else the only memory of me you're gonna have when I'm gone is bitterness about all that time you wasted bending over backwards to please this exhausting fucker.

[For all those burning words, his touch is tender as his fingers brush against Adam's hand.]

I don't think the timing was an accident. You regretted it, being with me. You're trying to look for a way to fix that feeling. It's easier for you to think you're not enough for me than to just admit that I'm unbearable. I've hurt you in ways that can't be undone.

from unaffluent:

[the more Ronan talks, the more Adam finds himself angrier and the way that he usually pulls to shreds his anger isn't working because when he's almost done Ronan's still saying something infuriating. He pulls away, his expression flickering rapidly between wounded and furious.

He doesn't trust himself to talk. He hates his anger even more than he hates himself. Ronan has it wrong. He has it all wrong and it's pain that fuels the anger at the idea that he could even think Adam would feel that way or do something with that motive. The reminder of the potential death of Ronan being imminent (he refuses to accept it as a given) is further fuel.

Adam can't bear to unleash his anger in front of Ronan much less andyr so he's out the door to find some place else to do so without the risk of hurting anyone but himself.]

[ Ronan snaps at him, and andyr meets him with the blank expression of someone waiting out a child's tantrum. Really, taking care of Ronan Lynch is a lot more like babysitting than he probably wants to hear, but the boy's so wrapped up in this agony of his. Not unfairly or unexpectedly, but the issue is, if he wants to have the kind of connections that he does, and the kind of relationship he's trying for, and to be the kind of support to Adam that he wishes he was, he's going to need to make a choice, and start changing something.

However, much as andyr's been gentle and nurturing of Ronan this entire time, watching Adam storm off looking like he'd just taken a punch to the gut, and the inkling of a suspicion of what happened before they had this talk, he's decided it's time to stop holding Ronan's hand.

In fact, it's time for ronan to shut the fuck up. Words don't ever seem to accomplish that, and Andyr wouldn't ever hit him, but luckily, Ronan made them a big pool of water. A few still seconds after the door slams behind Adam, andyr's hands hook under Ronan's thighs, and he bodily throws him into the bath just a foot or so away. ]

You're going to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up for the next five minutes if you give even half a fuck about the two of us. You don't get to decide what we're pissed about. [ andyr grinds out, standing up, and stepping into the edge of the pool, disregarding how his pant legs soak up the water. ] You're terminal, and that sucks, I get that. But you know how long most of the people I love have to live? Five years, birth to death, at best.

[ stepping closer, andyr's hands curl in the front of Ronan's jacket, tugging him up to growl into his face. ] Nothing's ending until you're fucking flatlining.

[ an arm snaps out, pointing towards the door Adam just went running out of. ]

He is trying to love you any way he knows how and you're just crumbling into your fucking self pity. How dare you even think about telling him it's a choice he's making to be without you, when you're over here going invalid on him. It's not your decision whether you're worthy of him or not either. If you're so worried about him giving up his free will, stop taking choices from him. [ rich, coming from andyr, but the principle of it is still correct and they both know that. letting go of his coat, andyr drops him back into the water, straightening up to look down at him. ] You don't get the luxury of being sensible, and taking a peaceful end. Not when you have someone depending on you. It is your responsibility, as the person that boy's chosen to love, to tell him death itself will have to crawl up from Hell and rip you out of his arms if it wants to take you. And then it's your job to fight it with everything you can reach for when it gets here. You're not just you anymore, Ronan, and you know that. So stop cowering and start fucking acting like it.

[ he'd been alright letting Ronan be afraid before, because he had a right to, but he can't have both. He can't want to make Adam happy, and do this. That's the reality of it he's missing. ]

You don't have the goddamn right to say you love him, either of us, until you're willing to do that, at least.

Edited 2017-01-31 17:55 (UTC)

[Ronan had anticipated that one or both of them would hit him. He isn't necessarily surprised when Adam opts to walk out on him, instead. But getting thrown into the water - that's a surprise. Enough to shock him into a long silence as he sputters and stares up at Andyr.

The speech is half-right, maybe. Ronan may be wrong, but he doesn't think he's incorrect in his assumptions. It can be all things. He could be full of self-pity and they could be full of unjustified guilt. They could love him with all their hearts and still quietly wish for the suffering to end already. All the adoration in the world doesn't erase the fact that he is Adam's cage and he is Andyr's burden.

He's said all he had to say, so he doesn't say anything else. He isn't going anywhere. He still belongs to Adam until Adam decides otherwise. If he doesn't return, then the matter's settled. Andyr can do as he pleases.]

[ he doesn't move, doesn't say anything, just sits there and wallows in it. If this were anyone else, anyone but Ronan, who andyr believes in so fiercely and sees so much potential in, he would be leaving. As it stands, there's few times andyr has the chance to be so involved in the disasters that tear apart people he loves, so for this one, he isn't going anywhere. What he is doing, though, after watching Ronan just sit there stubbornly devoted to his own view of them, is crouch down in the water, leveling their eyes, and speaking to him in what's almost a whisper. ] So fucking help me, Ronan Lynch, if you do not get up off your sorry ass and go apologize to that boy, I will move you myself.

[ probably not the best approach, but ronan's passed up every other option up to this point, and andyr and Adam both love him too much to let him ruin himself. ] If you're going to sit here making my decisions for me like I'm some kind of doll to torture yourself with, I have the right to make them for you too.

[ softening a moment, andyr's hands come up to touch Ronan's cheeks, bringing his lips up to press a kiss against his forehead. ] This is the faith that he needs. You won't believe him when he tells you the truth, so he told you a lie. Adam isn't one of your creations, Ronan, he's a human being and you're treating him like a delicate, naive toddler. That's not love. It's ownership.

Edited 2017-01-31 21:00 (UTC)

[He knows that Andyr's only trying to help. That he was brought here to help. But right now, at this particular moment, he's pissing Ronan off. A lot.]

He left the room because he's trying to get away from me. I'm not Kavinsky. I don't chase people.

[It's about the only difference left between him and Kavinsky anymore.]

You told me if I gave him my virginity, he'd believe I loved him. As soon as we were finished, what do you think he asked me?

Kavinsky stalks people. You could use a little more looking like you care.

[ at the moment, at least. he knows ronan cares, or this wouldn't be so big of a deal, but he puts himself into this kind of paralysis thinking whatever way the pieces fall is just fate, and it's the best thing he can do to just not try to alter things. it isn't living a life, it's waiting for someone else to. when your souls are intrinsically bound together, it's hardly fair to put all that pressure of living onto adam's shoulders.

andyr pauses, though, and tilts his head at what he's been told, going back over what was said just before adam stormed out, and everything's falling into place. ]

That's what you were talking about, with regret? [ they'd slept together, adam fumbled a decision in trying to give ronan everything he could, when ronan had become the closest to him he could possibly be, and ronan took it to be rejection, because he's ronan. now, adam tries to fix it, and ronan tells him all that well of love is just pity. ] He does believe you love him, you moron, you're not listening to him. He's trying to reach you, and you're calling him either a liar, or an idiot.

You just told him the most intimate part of himself he could give you wasn't enough to prove he loves you back. Good job.

[Ronan doesn't follow the logic. He hadn't been the one to immediately turn around and suggest Adam go find some other lover. For a brief few minutes, he had been the happiest he thought he could possibly be. He'd been trying to think of how to word his proposal, wondering what kind of ring Adam might like.

Adam had been thinking about who he could push Ronan off onto.

Miserably, Ronan climbs up out of the water. His clothes, completely soaked through, drag much of the water with him, but the bath refills magically as soon as he's out of it. He sheds his heavier layers with a splat, kicking off his boots.]

This is why we wait until marriage.

[The collective "we", meaning Catholics.]

And he's still a liar, even if he's lying for my sake. For the record, I fucking hate that.

[ Adam isn't actually that far away and neither did he stay away long. His hand lost a fight with a wall and he'd allowed himself a quick frustrated cry as he finished getting the anger out of his system, or at least to a manageable level. He's not sure what to say when he comes back into the room.

He looks confused at the fact that Ronan is wet. He managed to overhear the last line and that makes him feel the urge to run away. Adam's not good enough. He knows that he's never been and clearly Ronan is starting to realize that too. Just like Adam knew would always happen. ]

Ronan... you're a fucking idiot. You have so fucking little faith in how much I love you which I guess is fine because I know I'm not good... I don't know how to be good at this... I want to be with you forever and having sex with you only confirms that more even if you're so fucking stupid you could think that was anything else but perfect. [ Maybe he's still a little angry. He clenches and unclenches the sore and scraped hand, it'd probably be bruised later but he's glad he hadn't hit anyone nothing but a wall.

He's not his father. ]

I didn't plan for us to have sex but I had planned to ... You need him Ronan and you're so fucking stubborn you don't see what he provides that I ... [ His throat is getting thick and he just lifts up his hand in a gesture of surrender or exasperation. ]

It's not a choice between me and him. I'm not going to leave you ever.

Edited 2017-02-01 04:18 (UTC)

[ andyr's left standing in the water, watching the swirling currents left by ronan's movement through it, and the water line magically rising, listening to ronan declare this entire thing dead on arrival. the water warm around his legs, he thinks he'd like to sink into it, just let out all the air in his lungs and rest on the bottom, the world above all muted out. maybe that would fix this - ronan and adam. no reason to argue about feelings of attachment when the source isn't there. hence the original idea of disappearing into the city, once they arrived there.

but then, there's adam, in such a out-bursting, overflow of emotion andyr's left blinking wide eyed at him. this is the most he's ever seen adam say in one sitting, he thinks, and with largest amount of real emotion he's shown as well. a lot of things make sense, now. why he'd been so forceful about wanting this, how he'd never wanted to be around andyr for long, why he kept trying to give and give and give.

andyr feels out of place here, and he thinks again about sinking down underwater, but instead looks down to adam's hand, water sloshing as he starts to move from the pool to step out, cuffs of his sleeves still soaked from manhandling ronan around in it. gently, he reaches for adam's hand, and squeezes out some of the water from the bath out of his sleeve over the scrape to clean off the bit of wall from the skin. ]

There isn't some set amount of love you can give. [ he's talking to ronan here, but focusing on adam's hand and cleaning up the wounded knuckles, voice quiet. ] It's not like you start out with 100 Love Points and you can only hand out so many before the pot's empty.

It isn't with or without. Just more.

Edited 2017-02-01 04:44 (UTC)

[Unlike Andyr, Ronan isn't remotely surprised by the outburst of emotion that Adam brings with him when he storms back in. This is hardly the worst fight they've ever had, even if it might be the most painful.

Ronan stares at Adam, unmoving. His gaze drops only briefly to Adam's hand as Andyr tends to it. That fist was rightly meant for Ronan's face, and Ronan knows it. When their eyes meet again, Ronan wonders how Adam could have possibly concluded that this was the way, that Ronan could ever need or want anything more than him. From the moment of Adam's arrival, he'd been so glad to give up everything else.

But that's the problem. Adam has decided he's the only one who gets to make sacrifices around here. And for whatever reason, Andyr agrees with him.]

I don't fucking understand either of you.

[Ronan's voice is quiet now, though. The fight has gone out of him, leaving only shame in its wake. He would walk out now if he wasn't completely soaked. And if he didn't know that would absolutely destroy Adam.]

I don't understand either of you, but I'm gonna stop pretending to. You want this for me because you love me. Okay. I don't know how to make this work if you two can barely stand to look at each other, though. I can't be in the middle of this. Not like this.

[ Adam lets Andyr tend his hand. It stings, not as much as it's been throbbing when the other starts cleaning it up. He doesn't know how to help Ronan understand. Of all the things that Ronan can see in shades of grey this is the thing he can only see in black and white. He stares at the floor and it's a struggle not to close down again, not to find a safe thing to say that's not the whole truth but not quite a lie. ]

I wasn't prepared to have to be involved. I... I knew I might have to see it. I don't... I don't belong in what you two have... [ He felt like he was only pulled in out of some guilt or something else. ]

You guys have something outside of me where... [ He exhales harshly because there's the stupid tears and he clenches his jaw. ] But it's important.

[ Andyr's support to Ronan is important. Adam needs Andyr to be there to give it because there's the part of him that should do that that's defective. It's going to take him more time to learn how. ]

Sorry. [ said to adam, for pulling him into it. it'd been something of a strategy, yes, and his own stubbornness with how this was all going. he can't say he hadn't meant to hurt him, because he wanted adam to understand exactly what it was he was asking for, but they're past that point now. ronan's still angry and still confused, and adam's still upset, and andyr's caught somewhere in the middle, looking at the bright red and gradually bruising purples on adam's hand, rolling thoughts of the two of them around in his head. he doesn't know how this is supposed to work. he has no memories of happily married parents to compare to, or stable relationships. but he knows what love is, and knows the source of it matters much less than the fact of it. ]

You guys wanna be linked forever, right? That makes you one life, and in that sense, one person. Anywhere Ronan belongs, you belong. No point in him having something you don't have too. [ andyr's telling adam quietly, hands still cradling adam's in his palms, now finished cleaning up his knuckles. the idea of separation to make this work still, even after all this, feels intrinsically wrong. ]

You guys ever hear that story about the guy that sells his watch, and the woman that cuts her hair? That's you two.

[ sacrificing and sacrificing and sacrificing and not getting the core of it. maybe that's what a love like this is supposed to be like, but who knows. a thumb brushing over the back of adam's hand, andyr meets his eyes, questing but soft. ] Do you still want to do this? You don't have to.

[ Both the way of shifting the perspective and the subsequent passing of control of the situation back to Adam when he'd felt the whole thing spiraling so far out of his control helps calm him down. The touch that remains isn't necessary, his hand had been cleaned after all it feels like a bit of a peace offering and an invitation of sorts. ]

I need... Ronan to understand. [ He thinks that Andyr can understand, at least a little. Maybe. ] If he doesn't understand it doesn't accomplish what i want it to...

[ He's talking just to Andyr even though he's well aware that Ronan can hear him. ]

He doesn't make that easy. [ Spoken wryly, with a brow lifted, and a glance shot back to the boy in question, just now remembering that ronan is soaked head to toe. right, about that. ] He was pissing me off, so I threw him in the tub. Sorry.

[ you're not the only one who finds his beautiful, stupid face impossible, okay? andyr doesn't need to be holding adam's hand anymore, no, and he feels awkward still doing it, but some part of him feels like it's needed. stoic as the both of them both are, they're still deeply emotional things, and adam seems spun out of control. something andyr knows he can't come to terms with well, so he tries to do what he'd done for ronan, and just anchor for the moment. ]

He needs to know you're not hurting yourself with this. [ which, perhaps, is the inherent problem, because adam clearly was hurting from it before. unless they can find a way for this to happen without costing one or the other of them, it isn't going to work. that brings him around to what he's suspecting is the linchpin of this for adam - the thought he's lacking in some way, and that andyr is a bandaid for that. andyr's head bows a little closer, voice quiet as his head tips to search adam's features. ] And you need to know that you're already enough.

[ in the same way ronan has to trust adam that he's everything for him, adam needs to trust that he can be all that ronan needs. some things more difficult that others, perhaps, but it's the willingness to try that makes the availability of it. ]

[ Adam wants to argue that he's not enough. There's really no argument to be made that would make him believe that he was. He needs Andyr's help as much as he thinks Ronan needs it. He's turning the words over, turning everything over in his logical way of approaching problems. He steps out of it to look at it as a whole, to see where he can fix this for himself and where they could make this work because he needs it to work.

At least he thinks that he needs it, truly believes that to be the case.

He spares a quick glance at Ronan before he leans in closer to Andyr, pressing his lips to his. He half expects to be pushed away. He doesn't have any right to kiss Andyr, not like Ronan does. It's not a passionate kiss but it's honest. It's his invitation, his peace deal with Andyr, with trying to accept a place in this that feels like he might belong in. ]

[ this was not expected.

andyr'd been waiting for an argument, for having to sit here long hours and try to talk adam into believing past his insecurities, but what he gets instead is tentative lips pressed to his. the thing both ronan and adam fail to understand about andyr - he doesn't kiss or touch because he wants something, or for romantic need, though it's sometimes twined together. it's because, most of the time, he doesn't know how else to communicate a feeling beyond just handing himself bodily over. there's a lot of topics he can ramble about on end, but sentiments as pure as wanting comfort or giving affection, or a desire to protect, are too complex for him to feel he can do justice to.

so, really, it's like a sigh of relief to have adam speaking a language he can understand. andyr pressed back softly - careful, but welcoming. inviting, as his touch on adam's hand curls in, fingers lacing and giving a soft squeeze at his hand, trying to reassure. perhaps the both of them need this sort of thing, in their different ways. in that sense, all three of them do. ronan, who feels too lost at sea. adam, who can't believe in a place where he belongs. and andyr, who hardly believes he's still capable of anything this soft.

carefully, as if something will break if he moves too fast, he reaches a hand up to brush at adam's hair, all a dusty gold that reminds andyr of rich earth and sunshine, fingers carding through the strands and settling at the back of his head, cradling. ]

[Andyr speaks with so much more eloquence than Ronan will ever be capable of. It would normally bother him, the two of them discussing him as if he isn't there, speculating on his thoughts and feelings. But Andyr has a miraculous way of getting him right. Indisputably.

Ronan does the smart thing, for once, and keeps his mouth shut. Andyr had appealed for him to listen, so he listens. And watches. The whole problem seems insurmountable to him, until suddenly it isn't, and Andyr's leaning in and Adam meets him there.

They're kissing.

Ronan doesn't so much as breathe. He doesn't take his eyes off them. He doesn't even blink. He feels as if he might break the spell if he moves an inch. The feeling that rises up within him is something he can't easily identify. He knows it only enough to know that it isn't jealousy. It isn't anger. Something opposite. Like the sensation of unlocking a door when he's been fighting to turn the key for ages. Or when he's battling a concept in his dreams and finally a creation begins to form in his hands.

If they can love each other - if they can love each other as much as he loves them - then maybe it won't fall apart.]

[The kiss doesn't feel wrong or unwanted or like it is anything but Andyr responding to him. While he's had maybe a few kisses before Ronan it had never meant anything. Being kissed by Ronan and kissing him back had been the start of a responsibility to not break him Anad the first time he had cared so much, the first time he struggled to comprehend something being more than mere friendship.

This kiss is different still. Andyr's hand in his hair, their hands laced together and his uninjured hand remains at his side but he's thinking about the things he could do with it as he kisses Andyr.

If Andyr can kiss him like this then he isn't the outsider he thought he was, right? He lingers there before pulling back the taste of Andyr still on his lips.]

Its a start right? [a quiet question to the both of them.]

[ the months he's spent perplexed and confused and frustrated by this kid are starting to make sense, andyr thinks. not from the one kiss, but the entirety of this day. the control that he needs, the logic he hinges on, how he's neither mild nor erratic solely, but snaps to one or the other when it's needed. there's a method to him, and a purpose, and a bravery he finds despite himself.

andyr's smiling when they part, drifting from adam's lips to press another kiss to his forehead, something like a quiet thank you, for trusting him with this, for trying it, for bringing him along. ]

It's a good start. [ he confirms, hand smoothing over adam's hair, before he lifts his eyes to ronan, checking for how he'd taken it. but, it feels good. this, whatever it is, feels like the place they'd been trying to find. ]

[Ronan drops his gaze, at last, but only for a moment. He's not sure what to do next. They've found a tentative peace. Ronan has a habit of shattering that sort of thing and he knows that quite well. He takes a breath as his fingers twist up in his bracelets, fidgeting.]

Thank you.

[Something he should have said earlier, probably. But he'd seen an insult, not a gift. He's assured it's not an insult now, though he still doesn't fully understand what it is. Can an equal love exist between three people? And if it isn't equal, are they harming Andyr in the long run? Ronan glances at him before looking to Adam.]

I think we should forget about my rule.

[ Adam turns to look at Ronan too and he thinks that things might not be equal but that's because they're not the same, to begin with. On their own, they're something different, in their different make ups and each part had it's own meaning, purpose and somehow he thinks that means it would be okay. If he broke down this emotionally charged thing into a logic puzzle he could see more clearly how it works, how it truly isn't a competition.

And maybe he's enough because he's enough for the parts he's meant to be. Three machines that could work together, that didn't require all three parts at all times. He thinks it's kind of like that. ]

I think... I want to add a rule. [ Since he's being a little more honest and he hopes that it doesn't hurt Andyr or strain the peace they'd just come to. ]

I think you and I need something that's just ours still.

[Something flutters painfully near Ronan's heart. It might be the relief of discovering he still matters to Adam. He tries to ignore it, because he should have known it already.]

Okay.

[ Adam is worried still he'll hurt Andyr somehow in this so he squeezes his hand before letting go, exhaling heavily. ]

What we did earlier...that... that can just be ours? [ He feels guilty, it feels like something big to deny from Andyr. ]

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