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[ Adam lets out a quiet sigh at Andyr. He doesn't think there's a lie in this. Or maybe Ronan is better at pulling the wool over his eyes than he is with Andyr. That's entirely possible. Adam, loosens his grip on Andyr's hand to free it, the tab tossed side as his brushes over the strong thigh instead as he looks at him.

He doesn't need to look at Ronan to know what he'll see there. ]

What I know is that the problem isn't how we see each other but that you don't see yourself clearly with us. God, we need to stop talking about each other like we're property. [ It might have started bothering him earlier with Ronan. ]

There's not a finite amount of me or you or any of us... And we're fucking lucky we found not one but two people who make us better and it fits so why do we al lkeep fighting it...

[He would never have called Adam his property, not any more than a heart or a soul is property, but he knows that comment was directed at him. Ronan looks away, effectively silenced. His hands drop away from Andyr and he takes a step back.

He hadn't shared his fears with Andyr only to have them brought to Adam. He'd thought they were spoken in confidence. Now, of course, Adam's angry. As Ronan knew he would be.]

[ he knows he'd betrayed ronan's trust in letting that out, but it'd welled up in him, too hard to skip over and impossible to mention without outting him. how can he hold onto that secret, though, when they're supposed to all be together in this? how can he watch ronan carry on believing he'd earned damnation. andyr feels him drift off, and watches the step he takes back, and it feels like he's putting miles between them, andyr pushing up from the bed to follow him. ] God, stop it, Ronan. Come back. Please.

[ andyr reaches a hand out, touching the edge of a shoulder tentatively, like he's afraid of being shoved away, but grows bolder, pushing arms around his sides and tugging himself to ronan's chest, head tucked against it as if he's determined to stay there until someone stronger than him manages to pry him away. ]

I know we're not property. We all know that, me especially. [ as far as andyr knows, he's the only one with a literal corporate brand permanently embedded into his skeleton. ] How can I do this knowing you're hurt? How's that love?

[ andyr's chin tilts up some, looking back to adam, and freeing a hand to reach for him, wanting to pull him in against ronan. ] You're both the best things to ever happen to me, and you've got such a beautiful love between you I can't believe how lucky I am to get to be a part of it.

I don't give a shit what you did wrong, Ronan, I can almost guarantee I've done worse, but you deserve this happiness. [ andyr's pulled back, seeking out ronan's eyes with something pleading in his, redness rimming near his lids, and an ache in his voice. ] 'Cause I fucking said so, and if God has a problem with it, He can come through the damn Ingress and fight me.

It's yours because we want to give it to you, so just freaking take it.

Edited 2017-02-24 04:14 (UTC)

[ Adam has to bite back a smile and a snort by the end of that, coughing slightly and covering his mouth. He doesn't particularly believe in God so the whole bit just kind of tickles him some. He doesn't move though despite Andyr's beckoning. Not at first. He's confused still despite listening to Andyr keep talking.

He keeps trying to think of words because while he usually needs physical touch to be comforted to understand or at least part of the way right now he really needs words and logic and there's no place for that here. He feels again wholly inadequate to be the center of Ronan's world.Ronan who can create an entire world and Adam who just needs to understand the one he's already in.

To him it appears that Andyr is a hell of a lot better at communicating with Ronan in Ronan's world than Adam is. ]

[They're suddenly having a very different conversation. One that Ronan, incidentally, doesn't want to be having at all. None of this should be about him. They've been over this.]

Andyr.

[Ronan meets his eyes, reaching up to press his palm to Andyr's cheek and hold him steady.]

I just said this is what I want.

[This isn't helping. Adam was so afraid earlier, too, when he proposed this. Ronan looks past Andyr, fixing his eyes on Adam now. This outburst is doing nothing but hurting him.]

Like you said, we love each other. All three of us. There's no reason we shouldn't make love together.

[ steady is something he needs, because andyr's panicking. it seems like they're dismantling the only thing adam and ronan had held sacred between them, and with how much they'd dissolved already, andyr's terrified it'll split them beyond repair. he loves them both, deeply, but he's terrified of this fracture, and that shows in how he searches ronan's eyes. ]

What'll you have left just for you?

[ andyr knows adam's struggling with this, but adam's a big boy, and so is ronan. maybe they need to be a little bit less sensitive to upsetting the other, if it means them actually fucking talking about anything. if it means ronan doesn't believe he's being punished, and adam doesn't think he's trying to be Enough all the time. ]

What do you two want from each other? Not just the sex. All of it, be honest.

[ he wants to love them like this, he does so badly, but there's such a dishonesty going into it with the fear that he's hurting something in it. he can't press inside adam and be worrying if this is the prelude to them breaking apart for good. pulling his hands up, andyr presses them against his eyes, scrubbing, with voice muffled. he knows he's acting ridiculous. ] I'm sorry. I don't know how this crap's supposed to work, I just-- I can't ruin you two. You're all I have, and I can't.

[ Adam exhales, trying to push his own panic aside. He's usually pretty good at that, he's always had to be. So he manages. The question isn't so hard to answer. ]

He's making a place that's ours and we have forever. There's an eternity left. [ Because Ronan's not fucking dying. ]

[There is not an eternity left. Ronan doesn't correct Adam, however. He looks at Andyr again. As it always is when someone else is in turmoil, Ronan is spectacularly calm. He speaks softly, soothing:]

You couldn't possibly ruin us.

[Again, they've been over this before. Andyr was never the catalyst for Ronan's downfall. Ronan's sins are his own.]

Sex isn't what's important about me and Adam. We have something beyond anything our bodies are capable of. What's left for us is an entire universe that's just ours. We're inextricably fucking connected. Nothing could possibly separate us.

[He... does not love to point this out. Many aspects of it are the very opposite of romantic. But that is the truth of it. Since the bargain, Ronan hasn't exactly had a choice about his obsession with Adam.]

Adam and I are together no matter what. The question is, do you want to join us?

[ they'd been over it, yes, but andyr's as hard headed about guilt as ronan tends to be, at times. the few times he actually allows himself to linger on it, and it's always something ascribed to someone very close to his heart, these boys included.

but ronan's very, very good at calming andyr's mind when it starts to spiral. one of the things he'd become so attached to him for, that steel calm of his that seems entirely immovable, like a bulwark. andyr's head bobs, in ronan's hands, nodding as he takes this in. inextricably fucking connected. no, it's not terribly romantic, not when andyr knows how he means it and the lack of choice in it, but they'd come to love each other regardless, and at the very least, it means one will never be alone with the other so nearby. ] Okay. Yeah, I get it. Okay.

[ andyr murmurs while he tells himself this must be the truth, because ronan doesn't lie. his lips part, ready to tell them yes, he does want to join, he wants to be part of that, like nothing else he wants to, but just as he's about to speak, another thought crops up. the issue they'd had back on the Hub, and the thing ronan said he'd needed for sex to be a thing in the first place. ]

So why aren't you married? [ andyr blinks, brow furrowing, as he turns to look at adam again, and back to ronan. ] We're at the center of the multiverse, there's no way you can't find a Catholic priest here.

Edited 2017-02-24 06:22 (UTC)

[ Adam presses his lips together at the question. Probably that is somehow his fault that they're not married. He'd inadvertently gotten Ronan to have sex with him before marriage so did Ronan even think it's important anymore? Sometimes Adam's not sure. In a way he already feels married to Ronan. They're fully committed, the marriage is just a ceremony, for show, but it's something that's been important to Ronan so he wouldn't dare say that. ]

No one's asked.

[That question is unfair. Ronan thought he'd made it clear already: Marriage is out of the question now. It was a dream for another lifetime, for a Ronan who was faithful, untouched and pure. It's a goal that's impossible under the current circumstances.]

Adultery is a mortal sin.

[It's the answer that's going to make Adam angry and make Andyr think he's proven some kind of point, but Ronan has to speak the truth.]

A marriage is only between two people. If it isn't, then it's not a marriage. There's no point in making vows I can't promise. And I won't ask Adam to make that vow when he wants something more than just me.

[ he doesn't think he'd proven a point, really. just gotten a truth he was trying to find definitive words for. there'd been some part of him that hoped, if they just kept working at this, if he just got them to talk to each other, they could fix it. they could both get what they wanted, and andyr would watch them find real happiness.

in truth, he'd fucked it all up. as much as ronan won't believe andyr when he tells him he can still have this with adam, andyr can't believe ronan when he tells him he's faultless in what'd happened here.

he doesn't know enough about the religious arguments of ronan and adam's time to remind that people once thought marriage was only between a man and a woman as well. that the only real stipulation of marriage is that there be love. he's too distant from all that to try to reason for it, doesn't understand enough, can't find a place between them that he really feels right anymore. in the face of ronan's certainty, he feels like it'd be an insult to try telling him that anyway, when he believes so firmly, when andyr's so far out of that spectrum to have any real voice on it.

left feeling like he'd done nothing this entire time but tear them further apart, andyr slumps away from him, moving to one of the windows of the room, eyes roaming over the fields outside, and eventually, slumping down to sit against the wall, legs pulled up against his chest, and chin resting on his knees. he needs to just shut the hell up. he should've just shut the hell up from the beginning of all of this. ]

[ Moreso than angry it hurts Adam but as usually he tries to hide it, curling back further into his own mind and pushing his own emotional reactions further down. He doesn't look at the two of them, staring at his hands and he knows he's supposed to say something. He has to be logical and he has to make Ronan see that the world is never that black and white, it doesn't have to be, shouldn't be.

For a moment, he thinks it's a bit unfair but it's all his fault anyway so fair is fair. ]

You're full of shit, Lynch. Why do you care about some stupid rules of a group of people who don't even think you'd go to heaven because you like guys? You should fucking marry me because we both want it and just because we're honest about the parts of our hearts that we share doesn't mean ...

Your God's pretty spiteful for one that's supposedly loving. [ He should have known that asking for anything would lead to something like this. This isn't the only time in the last month he's try to tell Ronan he wants to get married but this is a solid rejection of it, in a way of Adam too.

Also in a way, ROnan is stupidly rejecting more than one part of himself. ]

Why do you care so much about what society defines marriage as? Shit, in the Bible everyone has like ten wives and concubines.

[What an incredibly romantic proposal. Ronan stands there and keeps his silence while Adam rips into him with the same arguments that seem to arise anytime his religion comes up as a factor of consideration. This, again, is why he'd shared his fears with Andyr alone and not Adam. Adam is only ever dismissive of spiritual concerns. Ronan can't decide if that's a reasonable reaction to inadvertently sacrificing parts of his body and soul. Maybe he would be angry at God for that, too.

Even if Adam doesn't want to believe, though, it would be nice if he cared about Ronan's personal beliefs. Just a little, maybe.

Ronan is unflinching. He swallows and glances briefly at Andyr before returning his eyes to Adam.]

I don't see what marriage has to do with any of this. Of all people, why would you care about some rite you don't believe in? For fuck's sake, if you don't believe in it, why would we do it? You're just taking something else and calling it marriage. It's pointless. We're fine the way we are. There are three of us, not two, and we're doing it our own way, and it is what it is.

Andyr, stop hiding. I'm not going to be your excuse for getting out of this. If you don't want to be with us, then just say it. Your own feelings, not what you think mine are.

[ that last piece, the little bit cast aside to him, like he isn't half a step away from abandoning mikal and posie and alva and alva's children just for the sake of making sure he can stay at ronan's side, sinks in like a knife coated in something toxic, then twisted in his gut.

his eyes raise to ronan, at once confused and angry and hurt beyond what he can say. legitimately, he has no words for this.

surging up, he crosses to ronan, and punches him. not hard enough to break anything, he knows well enough to restrain his strength, and it's infuriating to have to hold that back too. some time later he'll realize he's likely horrified adam in the process of it, but this is what he is, and ronan knew that when he'd ask him to be part of this. it is, however, hard enough to knock him on his ass.

turning, he's heading for the door, casting out a last comment. ]

You know my number if you need any more fucking couples counseling.

[ because he's planning on being gone a while. ]

Edited 2017-02-26 04:15 (UTC)

[There's no chance to say anything more because before he knows it before he can try to explain himself to Ronan, Andyrs punching him and leaving and the words are maybe just as wounding as Ronan's. But he's staring where Ronan's on the floor. That's his fault. This is all his fault and he's trying to ignore the way fear was coiling in him but he'd curled into himself knees up to his chest.]

Edited 2017-02-26 08:56 (UTC)

[Ronan's on the floor before he even really understands how that happened, his jaw stinging with pain and his ears ringing so loud he barely hears what Andyr says. Once his head catches up to him, Ronan realizes Andyr punched him. It's not the first time, but he thinks it might be the hardest, and he's not sure what part of what he said earned that. Not that it matters.]

...Mm.

[Easing himself up on his elbows, Ronan tastes blood where he bit the inside of his cheek. He shakes with a laugh that doesn't quite make itself audible. He blinks back tears of pain.]

I'm sorry you saw that.

[A fight means a different thing to Adam than it does to Ronan. For that reason, it's something Ronan prefers to keep out of Adam's sight. But here they are.]

[Adam shakes his head. He knows he should say something, anything but his throats too tight so he just presses his face into his knees and tries to find a straight logical line for his thoughts, tries to push all the emotions down into boxes he can bury until they're not so inconvenient.]

I'm sorry.

I deserved it.

[People generally don't hit Ronan without a reason, even if he's not altogether sure which reason. He flexes his jaw and checks his teeth, then slowly draws himself up and crawls over to Adam.]

I'm the problem. Maybe without me... I could go away for a while. You could work it out.

You're stupid. [Adam frowns, hugging his legs harder and as much as he wants to escape to working more and more he doesn't want Ronan or andyr to go away.]

It's my fault you don't want to get married to me anymore. [Because from Ronan that's the part that stung most.]

What?

[That's not what he said. He knows it's not, because it's not true. He wants to marry Adam with his whole heart.]

There's nothing I want more than to marry you.

[Ronan swallows a mouthful of blood, scrubbing at his eyes with his palms. Is he so bad at communicating? He'd said it as clearly as he knew how.]

It's just that if I marry you, I'm never going to touch another person. That's the whole point of it: To be yours, completely, forever. That's the vow. I know you don't care about the promise I make to God, but I care about the promise I make to you.

I, Adam, take you, Ronan, to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

[Adam recites the mentioned wedding vows, his fingers tapping on the side of his leg with each word he says.]

There's nothing in there about not touching anyone else... He's a part of us now but he doesn't make us less... Or our commitment less but you act like it does. Maybe adultery is a sin but so are a lot of other things we're guilty of. This is a good thing Ronan...

Why are you punishing yourself for having a good thing? Why'd you let me mess everything up if this is how...

[Adams voice tightens and he's not sure what he's trying to say anymore.]

Edited 2017-02-26 09:52 (UTC)

[Adam knows perfectly well that fidelity is implied by the word husband alone, but Ronan knows he's about to be hit with the sodomy card if he even attempts to argue canon. Yes, correct, he is going to Hell already. He's going straight to Hell. He will burn forever because he cannot and will never be able to love a woman the way he loves Adam.

That doesn't mean he gets a free pass to keep piling sins on top of sins.

More pressing than any of that, however:]

You didn't fucking mess everything up.

[God, what is it with Adam and Andyr both? As if Ronan fell into this arrangement without any idea what he was agreeing to.]

If I'd been faithful in the first place, you never would've doubted me. All you ever wanted to do was give me everything. And I love him, and I love you, and I don't need anything else. I'd sure as hell choose this over fucking up a sacrament.

[Even though, as he says it, Ronan's realizing he's losing it all. He's going to come out of this with none of it. No husband, no Adam, no Andyr, no home, no family. This, just now, he was his first and last chance to ever hear Adam recite a vow, and it was done in acrimony.

Ronan bows his head. His teeth hurt. His cheek feels swollen already. It's probably warm enough to sleep in one of the barns. Maybe even out in the fields. He still believes Andyr can love Adam the way he deserves. They'll realize it, too, once the burden is gone.]

We could have more but you won't let yourself. [Adam murmurs.his voice small and he doesn't even begin to fathom what Ronan's actually thinking because their minds had diverged. Ronans pushing himself away and Adam has been trying to tie them closer.]

Why can't you just let yourself have everything and be happy?

Because my happiness isn't about having everything.

[Is that something that someone like Adam - who has always lived in state of constant need and who's driven by ambition above all - can possibly understand?]

Religion's a joke to you, I get it, but I'd be fucking out of control without it. A thing like me... I can take everything I want. Do you know what Kavinsky does? He kills the people in his life who don't act like he wants them to and replaces them with dreams. That's what it looks like when monsters like us do whatever the fuck we want.

All the stupid rules you laugh about are the only things keeping me sane. And I know I'm not perfect, and no matter how hard I try, I'm never going to be good. But if I let myself have more and more and more, where does it end?

Look how much I've ruined already, just allowing myself to have this. I'm losing both of you.

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