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[There's no chance to say anything more because before he knows it before he can try to explain himself to Ronan, Andyrs punching him and leaving and the words are maybe just as wounding as Ronan's. But he's staring where Ronan's on the floor. That's his fault. This is all his fault and he's trying to ignore the way fear was coiling in him but he'd curled into himself knees up to his chest.]

Edited 2017-02-26 08:56 (UTC)

[Ronan's on the floor before he even really understands how that happened, his jaw stinging with pain and his ears ringing so loud he barely hears what Andyr says. Once his head catches up to him, Ronan realizes Andyr punched him. It's not the first time, but he thinks it might be the hardest, and he's not sure what part of what he said earned that. Not that it matters.]

...Mm.

[Easing himself up on his elbows, Ronan tastes blood where he bit the inside of his cheek. He shakes with a laugh that doesn't quite make itself audible. He blinks back tears of pain.]

I'm sorry you saw that.

[A fight means a different thing to Adam than it does to Ronan. For that reason, it's something Ronan prefers to keep out of Adam's sight. But here they are.]

[Adam shakes his head. He knows he should say something, anything but his throats too tight so he just presses his face into his knees and tries to find a straight logical line for his thoughts, tries to push all the emotions down into boxes he can bury until they're not so inconvenient.]

I'm sorry.

I deserved it.

[People generally don't hit Ronan without a reason, even if he's not altogether sure which reason. He flexes his jaw and checks his teeth, then slowly draws himself up and crawls over to Adam.]

I'm the problem. Maybe without me... I could go away for a while. You could work it out.

You're stupid. [Adam frowns, hugging his legs harder and as much as he wants to escape to working more and more he doesn't want Ronan or andyr to go away.]

It's my fault you don't want to get married to me anymore. [Because from Ronan that's the part that stung most.]

What?

[That's not what he said. He knows it's not, because it's not true. He wants to marry Adam with his whole heart.]

There's nothing I want more than to marry you.

[Ronan swallows a mouthful of blood, scrubbing at his eyes with his palms. Is he so bad at communicating? He'd said it as clearly as he knew how.]

It's just that if I marry you, I'm never going to touch another person. That's the whole point of it: To be yours, completely, forever. That's the vow. I know you don't care about the promise I make to God, but I care about the promise I make to you.

I, Adam, take you, Ronan, to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

[Adam recites the mentioned wedding vows, his fingers tapping on the side of his leg with each word he says.]

There's nothing in there about not touching anyone else... He's a part of us now but he doesn't make us less... Or our commitment less but you act like it does. Maybe adultery is a sin but so are a lot of other things we're guilty of. This is a good thing Ronan...

Why are you punishing yourself for having a good thing? Why'd you let me mess everything up if this is how...

[Adams voice tightens and he's not sure what he's trying to say anymore.]

Edited 2017-02-26 09:52 (UTC)

[Adam knows perfectly well that fidelity is implied by the word husband alone, but Ronan knows he's about to be hit with the sodomy card if he even attempts to argue canon. Yes, correct, he is going to Hell already. He's going straight to Hell. He will burn forever because he cannot and will never be able to love a woman the way he loves Adam.

That doesn't mean he gets a free pass to keep piling sins on top of sins.

More pressing than any of that, however:]

You didn't fucking mess everything up.

[God, what is it with Adam and Andyr both? As if Ronan fell into this arrangement without any idea what he was agreeing to.]

If I'd been faithful in the first place, you never would've doubted me. All you ever wanted to do was give me everything. And I love him, and I love you, and I don't need anything else. I'd sure as hell choose this over fucking up a sacrament.

[Even though, as he says it, Ronan's realizing he's losing it all. He's going to come out of this with none of it. No husband, no Adam, no Andyr, no home, no family. This, just now, he was his first and last chance to ever hear Adam recite a vow, and it was done in acrimony.

Ronan bows his head. His teeth hurt. His cheek feels swollen already. It's probably warm enough to sleep in one of the barns. Maybe even out in the fields. He still believes Andyr can love Adam the way he deserves. They'll realize it, too, once the burden is gone.]

We could have more but you won't let yourself. [Adam murmurs.his voice small and he doesn't even begin to fathom what Ronan's actually thinking because their minds had diverged. Ronans pushing himself away and Adam has been trying to tie them closer.]

Why can't you just let yourself have everything and be happy?

Because my happiness isn't about having everything.

[Is that something that someone like Adam - who has always lived in state of constant need and who's driven by ambition above all - can possibly understand?]

Religion's a joke to you, I get it, but I'd be fucking out of control without it. A thing like me... I can take everything I want. Do you know what Kavinsky does? He kills the people in his life who don't act like he wants them to and replaces them with dreams. That's what it looks like when monsters like us do whatever the fuck we want.

All the stupid rules you laugh about are the only things keeping me sane. And I know I'm not perfect, and no matter how hard I try, I'm never going to be good. But if I let myself have more and more and more, where does it end?

Look how much I've ruined already, just allowing myself to have this. I'm losing both of you.

[Most of it Adam can understand but there's points that don't meet. A lot points that dont meet. He pushes down the urge to tell Ronan what he wants because trying to get what he wants is what gets them into these messes. He should keep his mouth shut for everyone's good.]

You're not losing anyone, you idiot. You're just.. [He bites his tongue to cut off the rest of the sentence.]

You're never losing me. [Even so Adam feels the hope he has for some of his own dreams dying a little. Ronan's too set in his ways, his illogical black and whites with only the greys he deems good enough to be seen.]

[Ronan shakes his head, and he realizes his neck aches, too. Andyr did a fine job making him feel as rotten on the outside as on the inside.]

Just because you're trapped with me doesn't mean I can't lose you.

[He knows Adam well enough to know he's already pulling away, packing up his feelings like he's packing a suitcase. A person can be near and still be far away. How many times has Ronan watched him do this with Gansey?]

I'm not trapped! [Adam frowns and he exhales heavily. He's not trapped and he needs Ronan like he needs air. Its just that it's like his lungs are raw inside and breathing in hurts for the moment.]

You'll never lose me. I'm yours forever even if we never get stupid married or anything. [the words are quiet and small and maybe the closest he'll honestly come to verbalizing the amount of hurt and upset the refusal to marry him is causing. It wasn't an outright rejection but then again it was.

If Adam was good enough, pure enough or whatever Ronan would marry him. But Adam had dragged ronan down into the dirt with him, sex, a third partner... It's all Adam even if Ronan tries to make it all about himself and his mistakes. If Adam had just been better... They could be married. But he's not good enough. He probably never was.

Adam bites down on his lip hard, savoring the sharp pain as he does and focusing on it to clear his head.]

Adam.

[The words may be quiet and small, but Ronan hears them very loudly.]

Why would you want to marry me at all?

Because.

[it's a difficult question to find words/I> good enough to answer.]

Because marriage is forever and we are forever... It's a stupid ceremony especially for us since we are already part of the same soul... And Andyr is a part of our whole heart but... [words he can't do them and he feels his throat tighten too much and he rubs one of his hands over his eyes to erase unbidden tears.]

[The words say enough to Ronan. Because I want to, Adam's really saying. Because it means something to me. And that can be reason enough. Because Ronan doesn't care about what Ronan wants, but he cares very much about what Adam wants.]

I didn't even know this mattered to you.

[ It doesn't matter, in a way to Adam. It only became something that mattered to him because it's something that matters to Ronan. Stil, it is important to Adam now, there's something about it that became tied to his worthiness which might not be the most healthy of things.

Still, what he said he meant. Marriage in and of itself is something to him that is an outward symbol of them being one where he knows they already are without the ceremonial pomp and glamour. ]

Why wouldn't it matter to me?

Because of what we are.

[Ronan himself doesn't know exactly how he means that. Because they're boys, and the world has always said that marriage isn't for them. Because they're opposites, and a peaceful union is probably impossible between such disparate individuals. Because they're magicians, and they're racing toward an untimely end.

Because they're cursed, and they're already united in deeper ways than a marriage can ever bind two people. They might as well have been married the day Adam sacrificed himself.]

[ Adam shrugs a shoulder at that answer. ]

Don't you want to at least try to believe in forever?

Yes.

[He wants to. So badly.]

Do you get the difference between our heart and our soul?

[ Adam asks quietly because it's important that Ronan gets it. There's so much they fail to understand about each other constantly but he needs Ronan to understand this. ]

No.

[That may be the problem with Ronan. Between the two of them, he's not sure he feels a distinction. He couldn't say for sure if that's a character flaw on his part or something that only began when the essence of the Greywaren's heart and mind ensnared pieces of Adam's soul.]

[ Adam sighs because he should have expected that. He furrows his brow and tries to think of how to put it into words that Ronan would actually understand. ]

Our soul is like the root of our tree. There's only you and me. Our hearts are bigger than just our soul and it grows and branches and that's... Andyr's a very special branch of our heart but he's not a part of our soul.

[Ronan appreciates the strange metaphor, mostly because it's in Ronan language. He knows what Adam's trying to say. He knows, also, that God would refuse this as an excuse for infidelity.

But God's will, as always, pales in the face of Adam's.]

I can't live without either of you. Adam, I'm in love with him. Really in love with him, and I want you to be, too. I want him to love us and I want us together. Tell me what to do to make it happen. How do I keep us whole?

[ Adam already knew it but there's an odd feeling inside at hearing Ronan say that out loud. It's not quite jealousy or maybe it's an echo of jealousy. It's hard to feel certain. He looks down at his hands finally dropping his legs down so he's not so curled in on himself. ]

We've been telling you, Ronan.

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