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[ Adam lifts his shoulders dismissively and honestly he's not really wanting to talk about it much right now. He's only half listening, petting Petra and staring at the kitten. It's not that he doesn't care. He cares a lot he's just doesn't want to have this talk right now and he doesn't want to have to fight more after the fight that he'd just had with Ronan.

Ronan gets to handle this because Adam is being obtuse and just focusing on the kitten. ]

[Adam's shutting down. Ronan can see it. And though Ronan has it in him to yell at Andyr all night, until it's drilled into his head that there's never going to be any excuse for frightening Adam, he knows it's not the right course of action now. Loud voices will make it worse. The only way to bring Adam back is to make it safe again.]

Shut up, Andyr.

[He sounds more exasperated than angry now.]

I don't care what you do, as long as you don't do it in front of Adam. You've already managed not to kill us all, so you can handle this. Now chill out and stop making so much noise.

[Andyr's hardly the only one in the room suffering from PTSD. Ronan turns to Adam again, brushing his palm lightly along Adam's arm in a reassuring caress. He's admonishing Andyr, but all of this is his own fault, really. He's been failing in his promise to give Adam everything. He should never have said anything to Andyr. They would have all been better off if Ronan had stayed away entirely, Adam and Andyr free to pursue their romance without him.]

[ andyr shuts up, immediately. ronan could probably tell him to jump off a cliff at this point, and he would. he hadn't meant to make an excuse for hurting or frightening any of them, just to explain, that it's a bad idea to have him here. not just with the two of them, but with jesse, with noah, with anyone living this close. he should've stayed at alva's.

either way, he shuts his mouth, drops his chin on his knees, and sits, staring at the far wall.

his eyes follow ronan across the room, watches adam, watches how he's gone so still and quiet over there and how carefully ronan's trying to pull him back, and andyr tries to tell everything in his head to just shut up. ]

[ Adam flinches before he can catch the reaction when Ronan touches him. His grip tightened on Petra for a second. He looks up at Ronan and he's trying to say he's sorry but the words don't really make it out so he reaches to squeeze his hand quickly. He then lets go of it, holding the kitten to his chest. ]

I need to go for a walk.

[ There's a silent plea in the look he gives Ronan to let him. He knows Andyr isn't really okay either but Adam will just make this worse if he can't get some space. If there's no great protest he's going to escape for a walk with the kitten and likely Skippy finding him along the way. ]

[Adam doesn't have to apologize. The reaction seems like an appropriate one, really, and Ronan draws his hand back and closes his fist. He feels ugly and terrible and none of it is new. He's only lucky that Adam ever wants his touch at all.

Mutely, he nods at Adam's request. Doesn't make a move to stop him. Doesn't even watch him go. Ronan twists his fingers around his bracelets and shuts his eyes, screaming abuses at himself inside his own mind.]

[ Andyr wants to whisper another 'I'm sorry' to Adam, when he gets up to leave, as it's becoming apparent that something deeply wrong had set off in his head after what andyr'd done. He remembers now, thinking that he'd guessed Adam had something violent in his life, though he'd never known what exactly or had any real confirmation. He's still madly curious, especially now, but even still, he should've kept that in mind. He should've kept anything in mind outside of just being angry.

He says nothing either, hardly even moves, waiting for Ronan to either leave or tell him to go. Andyr doesn't know what to do with himself otherwise. ]

[Once Ronan's sure that Adam's gone and not just hanging around the corner, he sighs and opens his eyes again, directing them to Andyr. Adam's history is his own to share, Ronan knows that. But it's beginning to feel like he might never tell Andyr about his abuse, and it's suddenly so painfully relevant.

So after a moment of internal conflict, Ronan answers the unasked question:]

His father used to beat him. All the fucking time. We'd drop him off at home every night and the next day he'd show up to school with fresh bruises. The last time, before I got him away from there, the fucker beat him so hard it wrecked his ear. He's deaf now. Forever. That's why you can't...

[Ronan scrubs at his swollen jaw, which really only makes it hurt more.]

I mean, take it out on me all you want, but just don't do it where he has to see it.

[ after the first sentence of it, andyr's eyes gradually raise to ronan, realization dawning on him apparent, with eyes wide, something like horror in the distant expression. adam's father, someone who'd been supposed to love him, beat him so badly he'd gone deaf in one ear. and andyr had just punched ronan to the ground, the love of his life, and him, being someone he'd cared enough about to ask for sex. how much more horrific would it have been if he didn't have the sense to pull his punch? if he'd made him bleed?

andyr's lips part, and he can't even fathom words for this. adam must be terrified of him, or disgusted, or both. how could he ever possibly want andyr touching him again? ]

I shouldn't be here.

[ not clear if he means at monmouth, or with them, or both. if he'd stopped to think for two seconds, instead of just decided he'd be fine by force of will alone, he'd have seen that before any of this mess. ]

You wouldn't live through me taking it out on you. [ whispered quietly, but empty. before, he'd done it with bucky, who was skilled enough to avoid the worst hits, and sturdy enough to take the others, and powerful enough to knock andyr on his ass if he'd gotten carried away. ronan, brittle as unaltered and young as he is, wouldn't survive two full throttle hits from him. andyr swallows, and nods, a blankness in his voice, but a decision made. ] He won't see it again. I promise.

[Considering Andyr had knocked Ronan flat on his ass before he could even think to defend, Ronan doesn't doubt that Andyr's right. He would be dead if he had to face Andyr's true wrath. The thought itself doesn't scare him as much as it should, in part because Ronan wants to die here and now, and in part because he's already dying.

He just doesn't want Adam to have to watch it.]

You belong here as much as any of us do. I created this place for all of us.

[Andyr is a weapon. Ronan is the father of nightmares and monsters. Adam is a vengeful god. Blue is a witch. Jesse is a murderer, though he thinks Ronan can't tell. Noah is sheer terror wrapped in the skin of a warm memory, a thing which has no right to exist at all.]

You made a mistake. Do better next time.

I belong, but I shouldn't have taken the invitation. [ he does belong here, because ronan made certain he did, and this place feels like a home in a way he feels like he's never known before, but that isn't the point of it. ] You and Adam don't know better. I do.

[ andyr'd thought about it, when he first moved in, if it was really safe, and he'd just dismissed it. now, ronan's hurt, and adam's hurt, and he's the only one untouched. too late now to fix it, and he can't just abandon them, not like this. so, he has to find another way around it. he did send that message to kavinsky, when he'd been on his way out, so that's a start, at least. try to get all this crap out of his head somewhere else, so he comes home too tired to get worked up.

one way or next, he'll make sure neither of them ever have to see this another time. ]

It won't happen again.

Don't leave.

[Ronan says it too rushed and forcefully, betraying the panic that bubbles up in his chest straight to his throat.]

There's nothing about you that's more dangerous than I am. You've seen what comes out of me.

[He has no more control over his night horrors than Andyr has over his temper. On a good day, they'll obey him. On a bad day, they'll tear everything apart to get to Ronan. Yet Ronan fights ever urge to withdraw and hide himself away, letting the two people he loves most in the world sleep beside him despite the constant mortal danger it puts them in. Because they want him there.]

I killed what came out of you.

[ an immediate correction, but he hadn't missed how ronan had rushed out that plea, like he thinks andyr's going to step out of the room and disappear. carefully, tentatively, andyr inches across the floor, making it closer to ronan, until he can pick up the ice bag he'd left by him earlier, and hold it out again. ]

I'm not leaving. [ andyr's voice is soft, apologetic, the other hand reaching towards one of ronan's, just a couple fingertips grabbing at one of his, a want to take his hand and reassure him, but the fear still there, for what he'd done. ] I'll do the same thing to anything else that comes out and tries to hurt you, or Adam.

[ if there's nothing else he can do, he'll make sure that happens, in the very least. so long as it's something else to keep them safe from, and not himself. that piece he's still not sure how to defeat. ]

[Killing one night horror had taken a hell of a lot of luck, and Andyr had been wide awake when it was manifested. It's a different matter when they're sleeping together, and especially if Ronan accidentally brings back two or three. Andyr's making promises he can't possibly keep.

But that's not the point. Ronan sighs, shutting his eyes briefly, and slides his hand over Andyr's. In spite of all that's happened to him, he doesn't share Adam's fear of touch. When it came to domestic violence in the Lynch family, Declan and Ronan beat each other with mutual ferocity, the both of them usually bloody by the end of it. When the Gray Man had come to capture him, it was Ronan who attacked first, not the other way around. All the worst injuries Ronan ever suffered were self-inflicted, in one sense or another.]

I didn't think he could love me, either, you know. Because of where he came from. Before he made the bargain, I don't think he could stand me. I'm everything he hated about his father. Without all the magic, I'm just a drunk who goes around breaking shit and beating people up and flunking out of school, and Adam's this perfect student who works fifty jobs and spends all his spare time reading because he's on his way to Harvard or Princeton or MIT.

That's not... That's not something that's supposed to work. People like me have hurt him and dragged him down his whole life. You'd think he'd be running in the other direction.

He knows what he wants, though. We have to trust him in that.

[ andyr's been wanting to crawl into ronan's lap since the second he'd walked back into the room, and the hand that slips over his is like finally giving him permission. though he doesn't quiet clamor himself into ronan's lap, he does scoot forward, sitting with him sort of sideways, with the right side of his chest pressed to the left of ronan's, his arm looping over the front of him to tug him closer.

andyr's quiet a moment, listening to ronan speak, with his head laid on his shoulder, ear against the soft material of his shirt. honestly, he can't see how anyone couldn't love ronan, or adam, but andyr's particularly biased, when he feels the opposite about himself as well. it's funny, that way. ]

We're all so full of self-loathing, you think any of us would be in this if we were so much like each other? [ it's good that they're different. that ronan and adam are so stark in that. it means they clash a lot, yes, but andyr sees them as something beautiful in it. like the best kind of harmony and passion. they complete each other so perfectly. ]

I know. [ he sighs out, knowing the point ronan's trying to make. adam will decide for himself. ] I think Adam knows what what's going on and what he wants out of it more than any of us most days.

He does.

[Ronan has always had trouble getting a clear picture of what he wanted, and it was one of the biggest challenges in learning to control his power. First and foremost, the Greywaren has to know what he wants before it can manifest. Fear always held him back.

But Adam... Adam has had a drive in him since before Ronan met him, the kind of ambition that could get a man anything in the world. Every possible force had pushed against Adam and he'd smashed right through it, becoming a god in the process. He would have everything, inevitably.

The thought reminds him of Adam's order, the one he'd issued to Ronan before this chaos. Cupping a hand against Andyr's cheek, Ronan directs Andyr's lips to his own, kissing him softly.]

I'm supposed to tell you that he wants you for only the two of us. In case you didn't know. He wants you to be ours alone, and we're yours, and no one else can touch us.

[ the kiss is like solidity of forgiveness, and andyr melts into it, hand looping behind ronan's neck, with his thumb massaging gently. it ends too quickly, andyr wanting to just soak into ronan, lay there and try to pretend everything's alright for a few minutes.

what ronan brings up, instead, has andyr blinking at him, wide eyed and lost. ]

Like... exclusive? Like a relationship thing? [ the word you're thinking of, andyr, is boyfriends, but the syllables are hard to push past his lips. it's another kind of reality that feels too good to be true, like ronan, like his love for him, like all of this. clearly, he hadn't realized that's what adam meant either, but he's not about to argue it with ronan.

just, quietly, gently, smiles, a bit sad, because he's not sure adam will still be on board with that, after all this. ]

I can do that. If he still wants it.

[It makes Ronan feel just slightly better that Andyr doesn't seem to have understood that was Adam's intention, either. Somehow it's preferable for the both of them to have been hopelessly lost in this whole relationship business, rather than Ronan suffering as the idiot alone.]

I think he does.

[If Adam has been able to tolerate Ronan's violent urges for this long, he'll surely find a way to deal with Andyr's. And the three of them love each other so much, it seems impossible that one fight could end it. He hopes. He prays. (He really isn't sure.)

Ronan brushes a kiss over Andyr's forehead, then his cheek, then nuzzles him in reassurance.]

He's falling in love with you, too. I can feel it.

[ honestly, they're both idiots in that sense. maybe someday they'll get better at this dating people thing, but as it stands, poor adam is the only adult here.

even this is hard for andyr to process, even with ronan right here, showering him with affections, nuzzling in against him, and his own arms looped snug around him like the most natural thing in the world. it still baffles him, so much, thinking he's loved by anyone anymore. let alone people as sweet and kind and incredible as ronan and adam. ]

He barely knows anything about me.

[ if the shock of him hitting ronan today says anything about it. andyr can't deny he doesn't feel something similar for adam, but that's nothing new. he's always felt too much too fast. that's just his own flawed nature. adam's the one that's supposed to make sense. ]

You barely know anything about him.

[Which isn't a criticism, just... the way it is. And it doesn't seem to matter to Andyr, where Adam had come from and what he is. Ronan suspects Adam will feel the same for him. Falling for someone doesn't tend to require much background information.]

When he's ready, let him get to know you. Just you and him, without me in the way.

[Something tugs painfully at his heart as Ronan becomes aware he's urging someone else to fall in love with the boy he loves. He's still afraid he'll be left behind, one or both of them realizing they don't need him anymore. Another (more complicated) part of him thrills at the idea of Adam and Andyr loving each other as much as Ronan loves them. They'll be beautiful together, and they won't be alone when Ronan's gone.]

[ a moment passes, as andyr thinks on it, and he supposes, yes, that's true. he didn't know much about adam aside from how he's attached to ronan, and his personality he learned in quiet moments between the two of them. it wasn't his history he was so fond of, just his being. ronan's right, about that, as ronan tends to be.

about the latter, though, no. andyr frowns, looking over him, before adjusting his arms to squeeze around his middle, andyr pulling up close to him and tucking his face against his neck again - andyr's favorite space to nest. ]

You know we both hate being without you.

[ ronan's more a key part of all this than he knows. andyr isn't stupid, he gets what ronan wants to do. set them up comfortably with each other so they have something to fall back on. like he'd accused adam of doing with andyr and ronan at first. that will not ever make the loss of him any easier, and neither of them have any desire to be just the two of them without the integral part that ronan is. he should be there for all of it. ]

Right now you do.

[That's the whole point of spending time without him. Of course they'll feel his absence if they're used to his constant presence. It won't get easier until they have to go on without him and adjust to the feeling of each other, instead.]

But it's your choice.

We always will.

[ there won't be a time, Andyr thinks, that they won't miss Ronan, even if things go exactly how he wants them. If him and Adam have each other to love and support on another when Ronan goes, if they aren't alone in their grief. They'll still always love him, and always long for him. They'll just do so together.

And because of that, he doesn't want Ronan trying to ween then off of him. Nothing will make losing Ronan less devastating for the two of them, so better they just soak him up while they can. ]

Don't leave us any sooner than you have to. [ Andyr lifts his head, hands on Ronan's cheeks as he kisses him soft and slow. ]

[Ronan can't promise that, so he says nothing. He'll do whatever seems best, and it might mean ending his life even before the demon can consume him, to save Adam or any of the others. There's simply no telling at this point.

He can at least allow himself to keep loving Adam and Andyr until that day comes. He returns Andyr's kiss, pressing closer to him, his hand finding Andyr's heart. He couldn't bear being without the two of them. Not for any significant amount of time. Ronan only wants them to be prepared.]

[ he knows it's more complicated than that, and Andyr wouldn't blame Ronan for cutting it short, either to save a friend or skip the agony of it. All he wants, now, is to enjoy the time they have together. To fill his mind to the brim with beautiful memories of Ronan, like this, with his warm palm over andyr's heart, and andyr's arms around ronan's waist, tugging his body closer. He doesn't argue it any further. He and ronan already had that talk, a few million times over.

For a long few minutes, andyr's content to kiss him, deep and long and loving. Until a thought occurs, and he pauses, teeth tugging at his own lip and nerves build to bring up the subject. ]

Since we're not doing that rule anymore... does that mean me and you too? [ sex, that is. Making love in the way they'd felt the urge to since that first night in the tent. ] Not right now, I mean, but. You know.

[Ronan would never have expected that question, though it seems like he should have once Andyr raises it. His heart skips a beat at the thought. He wants to, of course. He's wanted it since that night. But all of the things that stood in his way then remain applicable now. He isn't married to Andyr.]

I'm saving myself.

[Maybe Andyr doesn't know.]

Adam hasn't... You know. No one's ever been inside me.

[Not for lack of trying. Ronan remains stubborn about it. But he's willing to give Andyr as much as he's given Adam, of course. That barrier's already broken, anyway.]

If you wanted me to, though, it... You should ask Adam if I'm allowed. I don't know.

[And he's run into a lot of trouble trying to guess what Adam's boundaries are.]

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deconstruct - 2017-03-13 19:00 (UTC) - Expand