deconstruct | [SAV] IC INBOX/MAILBOX

why what? why do i like them?

Why are they important to you.

they aren't really. important. i mean, they're cool and it's interesting, but they're just fish, you know, they're pretty dumb.

i just know a lot about them

[ there's a bit of pause before the next set of messages ]

for a while all i had to do was read this stupid fucking marine biology book. just stuck in this room and that's the only book i had, so that's what i did.

went through it four times the first year, put it away once i got more, but i don't know, i liked memorizing stuff in it. so i just kept getting more fish books and crap.

[ There's a lot he could say and a lot he doesn't try to voice. Steve can only guess what that must have been like, living in a world that effectively kept you in a cage; he's seen it done to someone very close to him, has seen what it does if it goes on too long. But at least Andyr still has his own mind, and that's important to think about as he reads all those messages—a soft smile and then a frown on his face. He wants to give an honest piece of himself to this person, and he's not sure why. ]

When I was younger, drawing was the only thing I thought I could do. You know... didn't really have the stamina to be out like the kids my age even though I tried until I got too sick or [ He stops there almost immediately. He'd almost said or his mother made him stay in, and his chest feels tight. ] Anyway, I know it's not the same, but I get it. I think there are plenty of books about alien fish in the library if you're ever that bored.

[ andyr doesn't fucking get steve rogers. no one here's tried as hard to get to know him as this guy has, especially when he's aware andyr's freaking stalking him - not the fanboy kind of stalking, the 'i'm not certain i don't want to kill you in your sleep yet' kind of stalking. andyr hasn't exactly been shy about that.

and yet, here he is, trying to relate. no, it's not the same, and while andyr might've brushed it off from someone else who didn't have this trend of giving so much of a shit like rogers, he doesn't here. instead, he's reading over the message a couple times, imagining steve as someone small and frail, stuck in a sick bed. ]

already started on them

but thanks

[ it's difficult to decide what else to say to him on that. express sympathy? he does feel some kind of empathy for that. but it's all so bizarre, and there's still the nagging feeling that this isn't what he's acting like it is. one reason in particular sticking out, and after a long moment, a second message is sent ]

you don't have to be nice to me just cause i look like him, you know. i know there's some similar shit with us, but we're not the same.

[ not nearly. even if they've both been twisted from what they were, and abused, bucky's something collapsed in, and andyr's something exploded out. where barnes is something wounded and mending, andyr'd leaned into the broken, snapped himself before it could be done to him, and rearranged the pieces into something worse. ]

[ This is why he hates text messages. Technology is great for convenience, but the personal touch has been completely erased from it. He can't gauge Andyr's honest reaction like this, why he would assume that Steve is friendly with him solely because there are some similarities between him and his best friend, but he's put that far behind him now. He knows they're different, completely in every way that define a person, and he doesn't think he would trade that for someone who reminded him of Bucky as he'd been when they'd grown up or someone who could be Andyr without the surliness. Steve's frowning hard now, lets the message sit for a few minute before he starts to type out a reply.

Doubt you could be even if that's what I wanted.

He erases it and starts again. ]

I'm not doing anything I wouldn't do for someone else I'd want to get to know. I think we could learn a lot from each other. [ After all, Steve's not free of those things that twist and distort them; most days, he just carries it a little better, a little softer. Sometimes, it's too hard to see beneath the responsibility that breaks him down first. ] Unless you don't want to do this.

[ Talk to him. Get to know him. It's all about choice, and Steve is openly giving that to him. ]

[ there’s another lengthy pause from andyr’s end of the transmission, reading the words once, and going back over them again slowly, like trying to look for hidden messages, ulterior motives, things between the lines. How much is there really to know about him, and what had he done to make Steve think it was any kind of valuable?

He’s angry and he likes fish, so what? Everything that drives him these days is just a visceral hatred for the Houses, and on the Moira all he’s doing is bidding his time until he’s sent back home, dropped right back into the fray. So, what then? ]

what is it you think you’re gonna learn from me? other than how to kill someone with a feather duster, i guess

[ Maybe he should give him a real answer, but Steve doesn't actually know what that is or what it might be. He just knows this feels right somehow, in some way that's not so easily explained. ]

I guess everyone should know things like that at some point. But for now, you could tell me more about fish. If you want.

got a quick tutorial for dust pans too

[ it would be funny if it weren't actually true. custodial carts has since been forbidden in halls andyr is walked through. as for steve's sentiments, he's still not terribly sure what to think of it, but he figures, whatever. talking doesn't hurt anything. ]

dude. no one actually wants to hear about fish. it's okay.

[ Talking certainly doesn't hurt anything at all. In fact, he hopes it'll help ground some trust between them eventually. ]

If that's what you want to talk about, I don't mind listening. [ Whatever he wanted to say, when he felt he needed to say it. Steve, at least, can do that much. Sometimes, it's really the only thing he can do. ]

[ what does he even do with all this affirmation and support, sweet lord. well, he acts like a shit, that's what he does. ]

what if i wanna talk about throwing newborns to hungry crocodiles

Then we're gonna have to talk about how you're going to go in after them. [ He should be used to this. Why isn't he ever used to this from anyone? ] Is that really what you want to do?

and what, you're gonna make me? sure you can, grandpa?

what if it was? if it was throwing teenagers to crocodiles, is that a pass? adults? the elderly? or is it the crocodiles that's the issue? could do tigers.

I think you'd be surprised.

No one gets a pass. You shouldn't be throwing anyone to their death, but if you need to practice, I guess you can throw me. If you can.

i think you should bring it, blondie

what if they're bad people?

[ is it a test?

it might be a test. ]

[ He's pretty sure it's a test, but he can't answer the way he thinks Andyr wants to hear. Steve can only tell him what he would do. ]

Murdering someone who did something wrong isn't gonna make it right. They might deserve it, but it doesn't mean we have to be just like them.

[ not what he wanted to hear, no, but what he'd expected to hear. he doesn't blame him, steve's a good man, like barnes said. but andyr isn't, and he's not looking to be. ]

you're gonna have a lot of problems with this getting to know me thing, then, captain, because the last i overheard, my employee kill count was over 300

and i've been busy since then too

I'm not saying I'm innocent or haven't made mistakes. [ He's killed too, out of need or circumstance, and what's more, it's usually the civilian blood that stains his hands far darker than those of evil men. ] We do the things we do for whatever reasons we have to do them, but that doesn't mean you're not worth the time. It doesn't mean you can't be someone better here.

[ Because he's not home, and isn't that already a nicer thought? However temporary it might be. ]

they weren't mistakes

[ and he won't regret those kills, ever. not in a lifetime. ]

because that's just what i need, right? get comfy, settle in, go talk about my feelings and cry a little, then get zapped right back where i was, with everything i did to stay sane there all undone?

even if we get to that port and they fix the ingress to send us all wherever we want, and i get a choice, i'm still going back to hapsburg. because people there need me to be what i am so they can have a chance of getting out, and you people want me to take that all apart

sorry, steve, we never got any superheroes to come fight for us, so we have to make do with what we have

if there's someone you want to help become better, talk to barnes. i like who i am just fine.

Maybe you're right.

[ It's the first thing he sends after a rather heavy silence, now pacing the length of a hallway as he tries to let his mind settle on those facts. A while ago, Steve had almost decided not to go home, and why would he have wanted to? The people who are most important to him, who have made up every fiber of his being, are right here on this ship, and like Andyr had said, they could send them wherever they chose once they reached that place. To whatever time. He could learn to be happy with what he has and not think about the things he's leaving behind, but there's also that obligation deep in his bones that makes them similar in so many ways. Regardless of what he might want, of what he thinks he should have, Steve would put all those things aside and continue to fight for those who can't at the risk of destroying himself.

They have more in common than he thinks. Almost too much. ]

But it's not about that. I'm not asking you to stay or give up your cause for whatever might be out there waiting for us. I [ What the hell is he asking? ] No one has that right, but if that's what you're gonna do, you shouldn't waste the time you have here. Some good might come of it eventually.

I have to make the most of what I have on this ship because as soon as I go back, it isn't going to be there. I'm still working things out with Bucky-- [ Which isn't really something he wants to talk about right now. ] Anyway, whatever you decide, you're wrong about one thing. Those people in Hapsburg have you, and that's just as good as having a superhero.

[ Even if he's still learning about him, still trying to figure him out. Not many would willingly go back to a world like the one he's from, and if he could, as he'd told him before when they'd first met, Steve would stand right along side him and do anything he could to help. ]

[ a superhero. for a long span of time, maybe so much steve had thought he wouldn't get an answer back, andyr's looking at that message, and trying to come to terms with it. all the rest of it fades, and he's just pushing that through his mind. and feeling the deepest guilt over it. ]

they got fucking short changed

[ i can't save them, i can't even save my goddamn self rings in his head, and you're selfish, you were never doing it for them. he'd thought, when he first got here, if he could just pull in posie, mikal, mal and kon, plus alva's kids, that'd be it. they could just stay and forget about home. still isn't sure he'd go back, if that offer was on the table. even with all his rage and indignation and spewing about revenge. if he could just make it all disappear, like it never happened.

but even that isn't possible, is it? ]

you know what i learned in hapsburg? [ a pause between messages, like he isn't sure he wants to continue, but does, nonetheless ] the one thing that's worse than not having something like freedom or family or happiness to begin with... is being born to it, enjoying it long enough to know just how good it is, and then having it ripped away.

[ it hurts, so goddamn much, every fucking day, to know what he lost, to have had it in his hands, and know that he'll never have it back. maybe pieces - maybe he'll be free one day, after mikal's war, if they even get that far. maybe he'll have a quiet place to live, a port nearby, be able to go where he wants and say what he wants and be what he wants.

but jehanne is still gone. his dad is still dead. so, so much of andyr, who he was, the dreams and hopes that he had, the innocence that was there, is ruined forever. even after the houses and the raids and all the rest, even if all of it stops, it still all lives on in his head, every day, and there's no purging that.

if the moira's taught him anything thus far, it's that he isn't fit to go back to a life like this. peaceful. the quiet of it leaves what's in his head far too loud. ]

Edited (repetition ) 2016-08-08 18:31 (UTC)

[SAV] IC INBOX/MAILBOX

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1/4 lololol

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done

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cw: mention of suicide

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