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[deconstruct]

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cw: mention of suicide

[deconstruct]

[ there's a difference in the rhetoric here, between what he and mikal talk about when they plan raids and dream of their war. steve talks about freedom and gaining a better life. he and mikal just talk about revenge. maybe they know better, that once freedom's gone, getting it back in full is a lie. they haven't been fighting for freedom. ]

what else would i do? i can't die, they won't let me.

[ the i've tried is in there somewhere, unspoken, if you squint hard enough.]

some things you don't get back, and some things don't ever let you go. ask your friend. but whatever i could gain here, i'll have to let go of, and you don't know how hard that is after having to do it once already.

[ it's cruel, he wants to say, but he knows steve doesn't mean anything like that by it. ]

1/2

[abide]

I know what else you could have done, but you didn't.

[ From experience or Andyr's own subtext, he gets it. Giving up might have been easier. Letting them win would have stopped the pain and numbed them to a life of imprisonment, each as different as the circumstances that surrounds them. But Steve sees it in those words and the look the other man wears sometimes, one of bite and bitterness. The same look that soldiers get when they're worn to the bone but know nothing else of the world aside from what they've done, and even if he doesn't believe it in the way Steve believes it, he's a fighter. A survivor. That makes them stronger than anyone else in ways that no one should ever have to realize. ]

And I know that too. I

[abide]

I don't know if anyone explained it to you, but time works differently here. Almost everyone from my world are years behind me in terms of what they know, even my friend. [ Bucky, most of all, and he's not sure if it would have been better if he'd shown up at some other point or not. He can't predict anything like that. ] So you're not the only one who will have to give it up. I've let it go too many times, but I don't know if I can this time.

[ If he wants honesty, there it is. He walks the fine edge of breaking every day, and the deeper he moves, the harder it gets to surrender what had slipped through his fingers all those years before. ] It doesn't mean I won't try to make the best of what I have while I have it though. I think it's better, in some ways, than the alternative.

[deconstruct]

i know. we have one like that. miray.

[ she'd have been dead in a week, maybe two. and alva's going to have enough trouble trying to let her go - the iteration he'd fallen in love with over so many years. andyr doesn't know the extent of time issues for steve, but he can only assume it's something similar. ]

i'm sorry.

[ for what he'll have to leave behind. ]

why not just stay? [ instead of return home, if it's so hard to let go of. andyr has things to do, a war to fight, people to get to. if steve doesn't have the same, why not just stay? ]