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I was the only thing he thought he wanted, Andyr.

[Adam's voice is tired and he runs his thumb along the side of Andyr's hand. There's so much he can't say and make clear for Andyr because there's little point and it'd just hurt them both more most likely.]

All he's done lately is things that hurt me and all I do is hold him back from things... People... He wants to be with. [maybe that's not fair to say but Adam doesn't care as much about being fair.]

Maybe he and I meant to be together but not right now. [there's a brief pause and Adam's afraid to say what he's about to.]

I need to do this... But it doesn't change how I feel about you. How much I want you in my life the way you have been.

He was just doing what he thought you wanted him to.

[ he'd known something happened with ronan before adam had specified that they were supposed to be exclusive, only the three of them with each other. andyr shakes his head, this can't be right. adam and ronan are one of the pillars of truth that supports his understanding of this world. multiple dimensions exist, not everyone is out to enslave him for his blood, and adam and ronan are in love.

this is just wrong. ]

I didn't know either. About the exclusive thing. I've never been in anything like that, and I thought, I dunno, I thought I was just extra, you know?

[ adam's talking about it as if it's already done, and andyr's mind just can't get past the denial of it. ] I feel the same about you, and I want you in my life, but-- You guys went through so much to get here, you can't just try to talk it out?

That's not true. He was doing what he wanted. [ Adam feels defensive at that insinuation. Andyr is one thing. Jesse, everything else that he's found out about and so rarely directly from Ronan, that's just proof that he was never really doing what he thought Adam wanted or needed. There's some things that Andyr didn't need to know. But acting like Ronan did any of it under a pretense that Adam would have wanted it was infuriating. Ronan had heard what he wanted to hear. Adam would have never thought that he needed to protect their relationship from others outside the three of them. ]

How does that make a fucking difference? You're missing the point. [ Adam feels the anger and pain pushing to the surface and he struggles to push them back down and tear it apart. ] I never even contemplated another person much less kissed or messed around with anyone else and he did. I'm nothing but something that's in the way of things that he wants more than he wants to be with me. [ If Adam had ever been what he wanted most there wouldn't have been all these months of pain, there wouldn't have been even more betrayal. ]

There's no point in trying to talk it out. Andyr, he's been putting other people in front of me for months now. I can't... do this when he's not as committed to me as I am. I'm nothing but an anchor and it'll drown us both.

[ it's something of a shock to hear adam speak to him with that kind of anger, and andyr's quiet for a long moment after, looking down at his hands and rolling it over in his head. it says something about how final this is, how far it is past anything andyr can help with. ]

I don't get you two. Either of you. [ truly, he doesn't. he doesn't understand the limitations on love, the error in affection, coming from a place where it was sometimes so necessary just to keep yourself sane, to just feel human in a place that tried to drill it into your head that you weren't. that's no wrong doing of their's, just the fact andyr can't compute it. a pain in his chest that's morphing into frustration, because that's what andyr does with pain. ]

You have something most people can't even dream of. [ not in the reality andyr knows, not in what's still 'the world' to him. ] Whether anyone wants to admit it or not, Ronan's most likely dying. And the two of you can't just trust what comes out of each others' mouths? Or just fucking be honest?

[ Adam's still trying to lock away the pain and anger because the last thing he wants is to break down crying or yelling in front of Andyr. He stares at a wall for long moments, listening but Andyr's words draw the pain back up and he has to blink quickly to chase away tears. ]

Ronan won't die. Everyone's so quick to believe that. [ Adam mumurs. But it'd never felt like the truth. He exhales heavily, rubbing his eyes harshly as if punishing them for tearing up. ]

I've been fucking honest with him and it gets me nowhere. I was never going to be good enough for him. I can't handle the things that he does and wants to do. He's not ready for me. Maybe he doesn't want to be or maybe we were wrong about us. He deserved someone better than broken trailer trash. I'm a mistake. [ And maybe Adam hoped that Ronan would end up chosing him after all was said and done but he knew right now Ronan wouldn't fight for him that he'd let him walk away and that is the worst part. Adam isn't the best thing that Ronan has and most likely Ronan would never come back to him because when he was ready it'd be for someone better than Adam. ]

I desesrve to stop getting hurt don't I? [ Was he supposed to stay with Ronan when all it brought was pain because Ronan isn't ready to be with him how Adam is with him? Breaking up wouldn't stop the pain but maybe he could stop pretending so much that he wasn't falling apart to everyone around him. Maybe at least it'd cap the amount of pain that there was.

Adam hadn't wanted to say any of these things. He hadn't wanted Andyr to see him fall apart and still only see part of the picture because Adam trying to protect him and trying to keep the other from running away and never coming back. ]

[ andyr watches adam and his certainty in ronan's survival. as much as he's been telling ronan to refuse to die, he knows, 95% of the time, the bad end is the reality, and hope only makes the life before it a bit more bearable. better to have it be something of a surprise, so as not to live while already dead inside.

it brings to mind, again, that adam barely knows anything about where andyr'd come from, including the fact he'll most likely be dead too within five hours of being back home.

none of this he brings up now. adam's right, he deserves to stop hurting, and andyr scoots forward, pulling the smaller boy into his arms, folding adam against his chest, his chin setting on top of ruffled blond hair. ]

Shh, you're not a mistake. You were never broken trailer trash to any of us. [ andyr rocks him, bundling adam up into his arms, wrapping around him. ] If you were, then I'm broken gutter trash, and Ronan's broken farm hick punk trash.

[ Adam doesn't resist, instantly falling into Andyr's hold, curling into him. His arms slid around him as he closed his eyes feeling tears burning his eyes again but he again tries to blink them away. As much as this won't stop the hurt that's already there he still thinks this is the way to stop opening more wounds, to stop making the ones he already has worse. It's selfish but he knows he can't keep taking more and more.

His arms are tight around Anydr, his face pressing into his chest and he exhales shakily almost laughing at the words. He's always been a mistake, his birth was a mistake. Maybe Ronan is right and the only reason Ronan cares for him is because of a deal with Cabeswater. If that hadn't happened it never would have been Adam. ]

That's not how it works. [ He mumbles but that's all the argument he has. He just wants to hold Andyr and be held by him, stay in the warmth of something that's still surprisingly whole and warm. He doesn't know how this is the part of everything that's not broken, that doesn't hurt. He feels a burning need to protect and preserve it. ]

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