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[ it's something of a shock to hear adam speak to him with that kind of anger, and andyr's quiet for a long moment after, looking down at his hands and rolling it over in his head. it says something about how final this is, how far it is past anything andyr can help with. ]

I don't get you two. Either of you. [ truly, he doesn't. he doesn't understand the limitations on love, the error in affection, coming from a place where it was sometimes so necessary just to keep yourself sane, to just feel human in a place that tried to drill it into your head that you weren't. that's no wrong doing of their's, just the fact andyr can't compute it. a pain in his chest that's morphing into frustration, because that's what andyr does with pain. ]

You have something most people can't even dream of. [ not in the reality andyr knows, not in what's still 'the world' to him. ] Whether anyone wants to admit it or not, Ronan's most likely dying. And the two of you can't just trust what comes out of each others' mouths? Or just fucking be honest?

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[ Adam's still trying to lock away the pain and anger because the last thing he wants is to break down crying or yelling in front of Andyr. He stares at a wall for long moments, listening but Andyr's words draw the pain back up and he has to blink quickly to chase away tears. ]

Ronan won't die. Everyone's so quick to believe that. [ Adam mumurs. But it'd never felt like the truth. He exhales heavily, rubbing his eyes harshly as if punishing them for tearing up. ]

I've been fucking honest with him and it gets me nowhere. I was never going to be good enough for him. I can't handle the things that he does and wants to do. He's not ready for me. Maybe he doesn't want to be or maybe we were wrong about us. He deserved someone better than broken trailer trash. I'm a mistake. [ And maybe Adam hoped that Ronan would end up chosing him after all was said and done but he knew right now Ronan wouldn't fight for him that he'd let him walk away and that is the worst part. Adam isn't the best thing that Ronan has and most likely Ronan would never come back to him because when he was ready it'd be for someone better than Adam. ]

I desesrve to stop getting hurt don't I? [ Was he supposed to stay with Ronan when all it brought was pain because Ronan isn't ready to be with him how Adam is with him? Breaking up wouldn't stop the pain but maybe he could stop pretending so much that he wasn't falling apart to everyone around him. Maybe at least it'd cap the amount of pain that there was.

Adam hadn't wanted to say any of these things. He hadn't wanted Andyr to see him fall apart and still only see part of the picture because Adam trying to protect him and trying to keep the other from running away and never coming back. ]

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[ andyr watches adam and his certainty in ronan's survival. as much as he's been telling ronan to refuse to die, he knows, 95% of the time, the bad end is the reality, and hope only makes the life before it a bit more bearable. better to have it be something of a surprise, so as not to live while already dead inside.

it brings to mind, again, that adam barely knows anything about where andyr'd come from, including the fact he'll most likely be dead too within five hours of being back home.

none of this he brings up now. adam's right, he deserves to stop hurting, and andyr scoots forward, pulling the smaller boy into his arms, folding adam against his chest, his chin setting on top of ruffled blond hair. ]

Shh, you're not a mistake. You were never broken trailer trash to any of us. [ andyr rocks him, bundling adam up into his arms, wrapping around him. ] If you were, then I'm broken gutter trash, and Ronan's broken farm hick punk trash.

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[ Adam doesn't resist, instantly falling into Andyr's hold, curling into him. His arms slid around him as he closed his eyes feeling tears burning his eyes again but he again tries to blink them away. As much as this won't stop the hurt that's already there he still thinks this is the way to stop opening more wounds, to stop making the ones he already has worse. It's selfish but he knows he can't keep taking more and more.

His arms are tight around Anydr, his face pressing into his chest and he exhales shakily almost laughing at the words. He's always been a mistake, his birth was a mistake. Maybe Ronan is right and the only reason Ronan cares for him is because of a deal with Cabeswater. If that hadn't happened it never would have been Adam. ]

That's not how it works. [ He mumbles but that's all the argument he has. He just wants to hold Andyr and be held by him, stay in the warmth of something that's still surprisingly whole and warm. He doesn't know how this is the part of everything that's not broken, that doesn't hurt. He feels a burning need to protect and preserve it. ]