[ at this point, andyr can't possibly know what's going on in either ronan or adam's head, and it feels some how so much more isolating than anything else had up to the point. strange, that he'd been given the go ahead to be intimate with ronan, and he couldn't feel farther from him.
he's trying to understand it, going to places in his head to compare. thinks of alva, and miray, and their baby. thinks of his own quiet choice to get them safely to alaska, and leave them there, while he disappears. andyr wonders if that's what he ought to do here, after they part ways. let the two of them tangle back together, and once they make it to the city on the other side of the ingress, find somewhere to disappear to. after all, this all started with him taking more than was his to have, didn't it?
ronan's hand reaches for him, stroking over his thigh, and he meets it automatically, tangling their fingers together, as if natural instinct, squeezing. he'll always feel responsible, because that's who andyr is. he's so oppressively overbearing of the people that become important to him that he'd rather take a choice out of their hands and make them hate him then let them linger in a place he knows is bad for them. like this.
eyes fall to his hand at ronan's back again, at the bits of dirt under his dull nails here and there, and remembers what ahab had told him about the people that he's come to love here, and what they'll be to him when he's gone. you won't be able to turn it off. you're gonna miss it every day. it's going to eat at you. andyr cannot keep ronan either way. he isn't going home with him, he isn't staying here. what's the point of dragging the two of them through this, when he has a deadline on his time with them?
maybe he'll get lucky and adam will snap back to his senses before this is over. ]
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he's trying to understand it, going to places in his head to compare. thinks of alva, and miray, and their baby. thinks of his own quiet choice to get them safely to alaska, and leave them there, while he disappears. andyr wonders if that's what he ought to do here, after they part ways. let the two of them tangle back together, and once they make it to the city on the other side of the ingress, find somewhere to disappear to. after all, this all started with him taking more than was his to have, didn't it?
ronan's hand reaches for him, stroking over his thigh, and he meets it automatically, tangling their fingers together, as if natural instinct, squeezing. he'll always feel responsible, because that's who andyr is. he's so oppressively overbearing of the people that become important to him that he'd rather take a choice out of their hands and make them hate him then let them linger in a place he knows is bad for them. like this.
eyes fall to his hand at ronan's back again, at the bits of dirt under his dull nails here and there, and remembers what ahab had told him about the people that he's come to love here, and what they'll be to him when he's gone. you won't be able to turn it off. you're gonna miss it every day. it's going to eat at you. andyr cannot keep ronan either way. he isn't going home with him, he isn't staying here. what's the point of dragging the two of them through this, when he has a deadline on his time with them?
maybe he'll get lucky and adam will snap back to his senses before this is over. ]