i went the farthest in, told the others not to follow. god, i don't think i'll ever be able to sleep again. i've never heard screams like that, not even in hapsburg. it's been 31 hours since we left the house, and i still haven't been able to close my eyes for longer than a few minutes.
fuck, alva, i need you. it feels like the grounds opening up and fucking swallowing me, or like im suffocating out in open air. i never needed you this much, and you're not fucking here. and that's my fault too.
i think this is the first sedative i'm willingly taking in all my life.
tell the kids i saw a baby panda and thought of them.
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YR2, M9