deconstruct | v2 OPEN POST;

v2 OPEN POST;

NETWORK | ACTION | PROMPTS | NSFW/SFW | IT'S ALL GRAVY

[ Andyr's listening quietly, realization of it all dawning on him, and it's something achingly familiar to him. pulling a hand up, andyr's palm wraps over the bracelets at one of ronan's wrists, thumb caressing over the skin underneath, at his wrist, and for a long moment he's silent. When he starts to speak, it's quiet, soft, something only the two of them would hear, pressed this close together. ]

My dad and me, we went to get my twin sister from Hapsburg. We found her, but... she shot him. Point blank. Turned me in to the labs.

[ Staring at his still body on the cold tile of the House, and back to Jehanne's blank, emotionless expression, it had felt like a nightmare. all the way, dragged through the halls, kicking and screaming, until they'd stripped him down and strapped him to the lab table, he'd been praying to just wake up. by the time the next hour had eclipsed, he'd already lost hope. ]

Spent about a month in there before I got my cell, and after that they... did stuff. [ His voice croaks at the end of the sentence, and there's an involuntary shake that goes through him, despite all andyr tries to hold down. if he'd thought andyr was some kind of fearless before, he hasn't seen this. just trying to assign words to it, just letting the memory of it sift up from the dark corners of his mind he shoves it all too, is a physical terror that creaks through him. in the end, he hides from it, doesn't explain. only swallows back against the ache in his throat, and skips to the point. ]

Two months in, I tried to hang myself. Almost managed it, but there's cameras everywhere. Guards got in and stopped me. [ for the last six years, he's wanted to die, that's the secret he doesn't tell any of the others. they won't let him. he knows the agony in that - of wanting so just lay down and be done with it, but not being allowed. he knows what urges that leaves lingering, and he wants ronan to know he isn't alone in it. ]

You still want to, sometimes?

[There aren't words to ease a memory like that. Ronan knows. Plenty of people tried, after his father's murder. They showered him with all kinds of sad words, pitying words, reassuring words. Hopes and promises for a better tomorrow. Bullshit and bullshit and bullshit. Sometimes things are just horrible. Sometimes they stay horrible forever.

Of course, Ronan can only do slightly better when he puts his I'm sorry into a kiss against Andyr's temple. It's still inadequate. It's too late to save Andyr from his life, so in the end, Ronan is as useless as anyone else.

He doesn't have an immediate answer to Andyr's question.]

I used to think his death was my fault. Dad could have saved himself if he'd given me up. It would've been easy. I thought it must have been evil, the secret he was protecting. Whatever he was, whatever I am... If evil people wanted us so badly, I figured we must be evil things. That meant the world was better without me in it.

[Ronan's voice doesn't shake. It's soft and contemplative, marveling at how he seems to have come full circle. After all, he does carry something truly evil inside him now.]

I didn't understand my real responsibility back then. I thought it was just my life on the line. But it's not. If I die, everyone I've created goes with me. So it doesn't matter what I think about myself. I have to protect those lives. As long as I can, at least.

[ things that scar you that deep never leave - that's what andyr knows. that's what being on the moira has taught him. maybe it's in the past, maybe you're far removed from it, but it's still in your head, on constant replay. all the worse for ronan, whose mind is so much more vivid and real than andyr's. no, there aren't words to make it better, or to erase it.

but ronan's hardly useless to him - no, he can't fix what's happened, but he's giving him reprieve now. He's put a bright, soothing light into and otherwise dim and violent life, and it's a memory that'll keep andyr warm and strong for years to come, he thinks. Just knowing he had Ronan once. That this beautiful, gift of a boy cared for him and loved him, once. Somewhere in the multiverse, he'll know this was true, and feel a little less alone, and a little less empty. Just that small piece of something could be enough to save him, some days.

what ronan tells him about his reality, about what paths his mind has taken and where he's left now - not particularly wanting one thing or the other, but knowing an obligation, is a sad truth, that Andyr can understand all the same. lifting his head, Andyr's hands caress over Ronan's cheeks again, pushing back over his hair, and repeating the motion, as he kisses his forehead, and then over his eyelids, and finally, his lips. ]

You're good, Ronan Lynch. [ he tells him quietly, holding him like something sacred and precious. ] You're noble, and kind, and caring, and brave. You're a nurturing creator, and a devoted protector, and no matter what's coming for you, or what you might fail to do, you will always be good.

[ Their foreheads press together, and Andyr aches to be able to do something for him, even knowing he can't. it's a fight he doesn't have the power to butt into, but so fucking help him, he'll be here to hold onto him and remind him that he's loved, and that he's done right, to the bitter end of it. He kisses all over his face - his cheeks, his temple, his lips - murmuring to him in a too honest whisper. ] You're good, you're good, you're good, and I'm so goddamn proud of you.

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